Letter to my son

Dear Avi,

You are almost 16 months old.  I missed you a lot today.  Yesterday, when I got home from work, you said, "Nurse?" and I acquiesced.  Today, you didn't ask.  

I had to go back to work and you didn't want me to go.  It was hard to leave and I felt anxious, stretched thin between the boundless love I feel for you and the call of my work to help grieving parents heal.  I was sick to my stomach all the way there.  

Aba said you were fine after I left.  Unfortunately, I left an inviting canister of cashews out on the counter and you asked for them with such certainty that Aba let you have at it.  Afterward, I am told, you vomited all over the floor and became quite upset.  Naturally, you wanted your mama around this time.  Poor Aba had his work cut out for him.

You two showered together.  Aba offered you milk, dinner, his boundless love for you.  He talked to you about how tired you seemed and reassured you that Mama would be there when you awoke (which very may well be at some point tonight, considering you didn't eat dinner, but I'll keep my fingers crossed).

I have to believe that working and mothering aren't mutually exclusive.  It feels really hard sometimes, especially when I don't feel understood or appreciated in either role.  Maybe if I can extend compassion and understanding to myself, I can teach you to do the same.  You certainly seem to be thriving and amaze us every day, so I feel we are doing something right . . .

My favorite part of our morning together was when you didn't want to put your shirt on.  I love how you pat your belly and walk around with it jutting out in front of you.  I couldn't possibly name all the things that fascinate me about you, but I know, with all my heart, that I don't take you for granted.  Nor do I take our wonderful family for granted.  I am so humbled and grateful for this opportunity to be your mom, and to be part of a beautiful family with you and Aba.

Sleep well my bear.  Can't wait to snuggle you soon.

Love,

Mama