It was a full day. Avi was up from 4-6 am at Saba and Safta's house. We spent the night there in order to meet with the realtor this morning. Yesterday I went to a dance class (my first in years!!) and then taught a yoga class in a Lineage Dance workshop at our alma mater, Santa Clara. Leeor and Avi dropped me off and then they drove down to Monterey with the grandparents. Avi was not pleased about the separation, but I was. It was liberating to dance, even though it was a super hard hip-hop class and I couldn't remember the choreography for shit. We danced to some Snoop Dog song I've never heard and I loved it. It was great to share a class with the Lineage gals, too. We went out to dinner afterward and I got to know the newer members a little. It's been so long since I danced with them.
I got home to find Avi passed out while clutching Leeor's chest. The three of them hadn't even been able to bathe Avi because he is so attached to our routine of nursing while we bathe. I feel like it's my fault that he's so inflexible. Anyway. I got him down around 10, so it was a bummer when he woke up at 4, fussy and disoriented.
After we met with the realtor to sign the offer, we cruised Carmel and went to our friend Shara's new shop, Footsie. I bought 2 pair of shoes, and they are not for work! Hooray! Avi kept saying "Shara?" There are so many places for him to run around. People on the street were so engaging. They couldn't say enough about Avi; I am not used to people being so open and friendly to a stranger. It felt nice.
It was great to be down there but also anxiety producing to ponder our possible future. So we raced back up to the bay area and had dinner with the McFarlands in Alameda, which was just what the doctor ordered. I love watching our boys together. It's also so helpful and delightful to hang with our friends. They seem to go through these big life changes before we do and they offer us much support. Plus, I get wisdom from heart-to-heart chats with other mamas. The husbands were bathing the boys upstairs while we mused and shared in the kitchen; what a treat.
We got home late-ish and Avi struggled to go to sleep. He seemed wired and also exhausted. It makes sense that he's all over the place because we are, too. But I don't know what to do about the nursing. I feel like I have failed to teach Avi any other way to get to sleep. He either nurses or falls asleep while in motion. Those 2 hours from 4-6 am were so challenging. I was close to tears. I feel exhausted and hungry. Spent.
Ironically, he woke up as I have been typing this post. Leeor and I talked about it while Avi screamed. I just can't let him cry it out. He was hot, writhing around in his crib, and I think he is teething. I gave him tylenol, turned off the heater, and yes, I nursed him. I can't imagine it's about the milk. I felt like a pacifier, but part of me feels like it's part of my role right now. How much am I supposed to push separation? How much of this is my need, and how much is his? I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it all better. For now I will crawl into bed beside my husband and whisper "Happy Father's Day," as it's now after midnight. I will leave all our junk we unloaded from our overnight trip piled at the top of the stairs 'til tomorrow. Our apartment feels crowded. There is an empty house at the end of a cul-de-sac surrounded by green trees that just may end up belonging to us.
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