This is summer

Avi lost another tooth on the 4th of July. He explained, patiently, that he no longer believed in the tooth fairy. I tried to keep the defensiveness out of my voice, "Who told you that?" Oh, kids at school. I offered that he could choose to believe whatever he wanted. And then carefully tucked a handwritten note with some money under his pillow. "This looks like your handwriting!" he exclaimed, innocently enough, the next morning. I'm already nostalgic for his younger years, for those sweet days now idealized, when Avi was our one and only. I also treasure these moments of him growing, changing, evolving. He shared with me tonight that he was worried about two things: one of them was that I would be killed. My sweet, neurotic first born. Of course I assured him and held him close, wiped his tears. Maybe growing up and becoming independent feels a bit like your mother getting murdered in front of your very eyes. We'll see if this is a passing fear, like the 7 year old version of a monster in the closet. I hope so.

In lighter news, my cousin, Susan, came to SF with her family a couple of weekends ago. Or was it just yesterday? She has always been like the big sister I never had, and much cooler. Now I get to watch her and Michael easily parent two teenagers! I'm taking notes.

Lilit is blossoming. I was worried that summer camp might be a lot for--none of her friends from school are there and the kids have adventures daily that keep them outdoors. But while she speaks fondly of school and asks, "When do we go back to Tehiyah?" at least once a week, I see a new confidence in her. It's pure joy to witness. She got a spontaneous hair cut last weekend and when the stylist asked whether she wanted bangs, I looked to her, curious if she understood. Her solemn nod resulted in ... Bangs!

Muir Beach babe. July, 2015

My man and his mini. Yossi got a hair cut, too. But don't get between a mama and her 20 month old son's curls! The stylist went easy on them. I want to remember everything about this time with our youngest, the way he responds, "Yes," with such solemnity, declares, "hug" and "kiss," followed by the earnest affections given with his whole body. The way he runs, talks around his binky, asks for milk, asks for his siblings, "Abi? Sissy?" Reads books, plays with cars, loves to be outside. Loves animals.

Leeor teases me that I didn't want a 3rd baby. I was afraid we couldn't handle it. That we couldn't afford this rich life with 3 gorgeous babes. I was so wrong. And I can't imagine family life without sweet Yossi. 

He's charging ahead but still a baby sometimes, staying close to snuggle, clutching his blankie or my breast. Wanting to be held. 

Sometimes I have guilt that all the energy I spend with Yossi is somehow depleting the other kids. But of course that isn't possible. This mama love is limitless.

Some favorite random summer moments:

Lilit's obsession with The Princess in Black. She has memorized nearly all of it and can be found reading aloud to herself or to Yossi most days.

And Yossi in these old pjs of Avi's? Swoon.

Shabbat dinners. Especially with guests like my mama, who is recovering from her shoulder surgery like a boss!

Silly faces at the table, like this little ham. She has perfect comedic timing.

My boys. One still nursing; the other sometimes wishing he still could.

But why male models?

These two have such a special father/daughter bond. Tonight, Lilit mentioned that she and I have different color eyes, "That's okay," she concluded. I wondered with her about it a little more and she confessed, "I wish I had blue eyes like you. They are so beautiful." And I had to swallow my urge to correct her, that her espresso bean eyes are the most beautiful. I let her words fill the air for a breath or two before I began to speak. And if I could, I would change the color of my eyes to the most beautiful brown ones I have ever known. Even though it's not our job as parents to keep our kids from suffering. I hope the kids always want to talk to me about their fears, concerns, joys and any random thoughts that occur to them. It's such an honor to be their listener, their holder of difficult material and also of their strengths and celebrations. To many more adventures this summer and always.

She's 5! And we went on our first family retreat

 The day of Lilit's birthday party was icy cold. It was Memorial Day weekend but we were piling on layers like it was winter. Or the beginning of summer in the Bay Area.

 The party hats were a big hit.

 So were the cupcakes.

 Lately I have been marveling at these three. They have sweet relationships all around and also intense moments of conflict. They attend to each other and rile each other up. Just as siblings do. I hope they maintain the closeness they have but I also know how different they are.

 The two little ones have a special bond. And Lilit with her two besties from her class were too cute to behold.

 I told the kids they could decorate the cupcakes themselves and couldn't believe the restraint they demonstrated. A sweet smattering of sprinkles and that was it. And Lilit was so happy.

 When her actual birthday rolled around a few days later, we asked Lilit where she wanted to eat dinner and she promptly responded, "Panera!" Off we went for a lovely meal before returning home for cake.

 She loves her brothers so much. Even if she might be tempted to trade them in for a sister.

 Yossi loves his sister. And loves to pull her hair. And take Leeor's phone.

 And accidentally order a ride on Uber.

 These three.

 Lilit was the most excited to hear her classmates and teachers chant, "She's not one anymore, she's not 2 anymore, she's not 3 anymore, she's not 4 anymore, she's ... 5!!"

 And then we packed up the car and headed up to Camp Newman for our synagogue's retreat. I was resistant to the idea initially, worried about lack of sleep but intrigued by a weekend away with friends in a beautiful setting.

 I felt at ease immediately, as upon our arrival, the children promptly stripped down and headed to the pool.

 After a proper snack attack.

 I especially enjoyed the name tags on the littles.

 We had a mostly relaxing weekend. As relaxing as life with 3 young children can be. There was childcare for Yossi while I taught yoga and dance. We logged a lot of pool time.

 I'm in this new place with parenting. Slightly less neurotic. Like, I barely saw Avi all weekend, but I knew he was okay. And he was. We joked about how he went to bed later than I did Saturday night.

 The weekend was good for the whole family.

 Yossi loved all the attention he received from the senior members of the congregation.

 Lilit had a few bouts of big feelings. Nothing that a little chat with her Aba couldn't help.

 Of course there were smores.

 It feels good to be part of a community so filled with love and support. It's grounding.

 I had lunch in the "Moon house" with Lilit and Yossi before we left. Somehow Yos never got out of his pjs on Sunday and then on the way home, his diaper ended up around his ankle and his body was drenched in pee. But he still managed to sleep the whole way.

 I never could have imagined this life. But that is probably best, as the reality surpasses any fantasy I ever harbored about the future and what kind of family I might have. It's beyond good. Not perfect. Better than that. Complicated, messy, hard, satisfying and completely awesome and fulfilling.