The end of a lovely 4 days with my son and my husband. My guys. How I love spending time with them! We did chores. We went out to a fun city dinner at Farmer Brown. I got to hang with some friends and their kids in a sunny backyard on the Peninsula, probably the warmest day in the weekend. The weather sucked Saturday-Monday, but I thought of what my yoga teacher said on Saturday morning, that the light comes from within. It sounds silly but it's so true. And it was cozy inside. Even the park, with wet slides and dripping fog, was fun with Avi.
We went to Monterey and took another lap around the house we'd like to buy. I worked on the loan paperwork. We are slow as molasses with this process. Hilarious. It's the only pace that works for me, I suspect. If all goes well, we are making an offer sometime soon . . .much to the delight of Shara and Tyler, our good friends in Carmel. Our only friends there. It's hard to think about leaving San Francisco, especially because our closest friends are here. Avi was able to call Shara by name by the end of our 24 hours there, which amazed me. She sat on the floor with him and made quite an impression. I think it was mutual. It is pretty gorgeous down there with all the trees and ocean and fresh air. Avi slept in until 8:30!! We drove back through Santa Cruz and I reminisced about my adolescence. My dad moved there when I was 12 and I spent a lot of quiet, sweet time there.
Back to reality today when M called me to say she couldn't come to work. First time that's happened since I went back to work last July. Almost a year and she's never cancelled. I figured she was past due so I tried to stay cool. I didn't really mind having another day at home with Avi; it was nice to be in such a good groove with him. Leeor had forgotten that he had to work tonight, however, which meant we needed childcare so that I could go to my group. With M unavailable, my mom working and Saba and Safta out of town, we were in a bind. I was doing all the calling around and it sucked. I was mad at Leeor. I was annoyed with myself for hating to ask for help, hating to be vulnerable. Feeling guilty that I wasn't willing to skip my group to stay home with my child. A dear friend of ours was able to watch him. She has been in Boston for the past year, though, so Avi hasn't seen her much lately. I was anxious as hell about leaving, which probably didn't help. They were fine, and so was I.
I always lead a meditation during the group. To me, practicing these meditations is as easy as sliding into a warm bath. I don't know if I am teaching it in a way that makes sense or feels helpful. I know I can't take away pain, and I don't want to. That's a lie; of course I want to take away pain, but I realize it wouldn't be helpful. I don't think living with loss gets easier, ever, but I hope to ease the trauma that goes with it so that people can feel whole again. Being a mother makes it even more important to me.
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