Transition

I've never been any good at change, at transitory states. Is anyone? Perhaps Avi is. He can really roll with things in ways that I simply cannot.

Like today, for example. M was here for her first day, and she was awesome. She is capable, loving, kind and Avi already adores her. She was able to get him down for a nap this morning while I lurked upstairs and unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, cried and pumped milk. Then I cried some more when we tried for an afternoon nap. After a lovely morning of nap, nurse and me luxuriously showering while M attended to Avi, we met a friend and her one month old in town and went to the park. Avi had his first turn in the baby swing and I texted a video of the whole thing to Leeor via camera phone. Then we went home, ate our respective lunches (while I'd offered to make M a turkery avo sandwich, she politely declined and I realized her mamita had sent her to work with carnitas and tortillas. It was kinda funny.) and Avi hung out in the jumper.

Then M decided she wanted to conquer the afternoon nap, replete with bottle of breastmilk. Oh dear, that was tough. I pumped again, both breasts hooked up to the fancy Medela pump Mollie loaned me, while tears streamed down faster than milk came out and I listened to Avi cry. M was lovely. She sang, I'm sure she swayed and hugged and loved, though I didn't see these things. I wondered about all this change on "the first day." I told myself Avi was okay. I cried harder. I kept pumping. Then Carrie called and I answered that phone and tried to be cool. Which lasted about two seconds. I told her what was going on and wondered aloud about what to do. She consolled me and I was lulled by her sweet, empathic tone (she has two little ones and works and knows about these things) as I listened to Avi's cries become more desperate.

I decided that today being our first day and all, it would be okay for me to go downstairs and nurse him. It was a feel-like thing. No one told me what to do, what was right, what was wrong. M was gracious and apologetic, which was silly (not the graciousness). She encouraged me to nurse him. We agreed that it was a lot for our first day. Avi stopped crying the moment I walked into the room. I can't say it didn't feel good to gather him into my arms, settle onto the bed and nurse. He hugged me and smiled sweetly. He also smiled at M. As I may have mentioned, Avi can roll with it better than I.

By late afternoon, M had Avi in the ergo and we were taking an afternoon stroll. We ran into Nicole, Brian and their daughter Sofia. Joselle and her husband honked and waved on their way home from work. We walked a piece with Gen, Wilahmina and Isabelle. M met everyone and remarked what a great hood we live in. It's true. And at the end of the day, I was sad to see her go, but also glad to have some time alone with my baby. We watched part of the News Hour. Obama is making his big speech the last night of the convention in the Bronco stadium. I felt like Gwen was baiting the reporter (who was not very well-spoken, I must say) about how it was gonna cost an extra 3 million to do so (when the whole convention is gonna cost 45 mil, what's an extra 3?). Leeor came home and helped me start Avi's bath. The little one was so tired from his big day that he fell asleep in the tub and Leeor gathered him into a towel and got him into a clean diaper and pjs. I nursed Avi down while Leeor started the chicken schniztnel. We had a cocktail. Avi went down around 8:20. The times, as they say, they are a changin. There's a part of me that is feeling interested in going back to work. Maybe I'm not as bad at transitions as I think. Here we are, in this moment, and I feel as if I'm hovering on the edge of a big change. Hovering, but not as afraid as I was yesterday.