Juggling act

It's funny that at the end of my "day off" I feel more exhausted than ever. I can't quite believe I will arise tomorrow, bathe, dress and make myself up all professional-like, nurse Avi, pack my lunch, my breast pump, my purse and head off for the bus, arrive at work and actually help people, when I feel like such a disaster right now.


While this is only my second week back at work and I should be easier on myself, it feels so hard all of a sudden. Tonight, it took forever to get Avi down. Leeor came home "early" (around 5:30) and we each went to the store to gather things we needed (he got charcoal to barbecue; I got wipes because the %@# wipes I ordered from Amazon last week have yet to arrive, and we had a 3 diaper poop fest with Avi around 5 AM, and things are getting desperate in the land of wipes). Upon our return, I started Avi's bath while Leeor started dinner. Divide and conquer. That's what we do many nights, which doesn't exactly leave us with lots of quality together time.


The bath was great, but Avi was tired and a little fussy afterward. I could barely get myself dressed in a robe before I sat down to nurse him. Here's where I made perhaps a poor choice. I could have nursed him in our room, white noise going, lights out, and then made my way upstairs for dinner and relaxation. However, my favorite show was on, and it sounds so ridiculous, but watching these young people dance on TV brings me so much joy I decided I would nurse Avi upstairs in the glider. I sat down with him at 7:45. Leeor served me dinner, which was great. I ate with my right hand and spilled raspberry cobbler all over Avi's pj'd butt. I watched my show. I felt joy. Avi nursed and nursed and slept. And didn't stop. I finally took him downstairs around 9:30. Leeor was exhausted. He was up for the poop party this morning and basically went straight to work after having arrived home the night before around 10PM. He went to bed. I set about cleaning the kitchen and Avi immediately started to cry.


I went back downstairs. I felt resentful. It is possibly the worst feeling ever to resent the people I love the most. My child. My husband. But I did. And I felt empty and tired and sad and scared and overwhelmed. I sat down to nurse Avi. He nursed and nursed. I lay down next to him. I watched his sweet face. I felt my love for him (and for Leeor) swell. I told myself that this was temporary, that we are just adjusting and it is natural for Avi to need a little more during this transition. I wistfully remembered the days when I put Avi down and he just slept and slept almost through the night. I cried a little. He eventually popped off the breast and I just lay there next to him, breathing with him and Leeor. Then I crept upstairs after leaving my robe next to Avi in hopes that my smell would linger and keep him asleep.


I cleaned the kitchen; did the dinner dishes, my lunch dish, the little dish that held Avi's avocado mixed with breast milk. He rolled over a bunch of times today. He sat on his own. He hugged me tightly. We took the bus across town for a doctor's appointment and then sat in a cafe and I treated myself to a soy latte and overpriced zucchini bread. We schmoozed with some ladies, Avi ever the flirt, batting his lashes and playing coy. He slept sweetly in the Ergo. We had a lovely day. So why do I feel so wrecked?


My job is to support families who find themselves in absolutely heart wrenching situations. Organ transplants for very sick babies, all kinds of surgeries for kids of all ages, families who are here illegally, who are poor, some families who have quite a lot but still struggle with the horror of having sometimes terminally ill children. It's very different to do this job as a parent. Now I look into these mothers' faces, listen to their voices, and can imagine my own. I feel nauseous just to even imagine the cruel reality of having a sick baby. Mostly, I am okay and can separate myself, feel greatful for all I have. But tonight, after a day during which I didn't even go to work, I feel the weight of juggling my healthy, full life and my job. In both places I am needed tremendously, but what matters to me most right now is my family. I don't want to slight them. How do we do this? How do mothers balance all these tasks? I imagine that circus animal, balancing plates on every limb, and then balancing things atop the plates, all the while running on a ball. I suppose it's normal that I'm tired. And I should be in bed instead of writing this, but I just needed a few moments to myself. It helps to be honest about this experience, even if it isn't pretty, or perfect, or nice.