Gratitude

Day two of transition week was somehow harder than day one. My god, I haven't even gone back to work yet and I feel as if tomorrow is a vacation day because M isn't coming (I won't work Wednesdays for July and August).

I can't believe my shrink suggested I do this transition-with-the-nanny-thing for more than a week before I go back to work. Today I felt like I was "doing something" to impede M's and Avi's relationship. My neuroses filling up the room, Avi not napping and actually fussing a little and M tired from our previous day's walking around these typically steep SF hills, I was ready to call it quits. It seemed so dumb, the whole thing. Trying to get Avi to take a bottle. Trying to feed him some banana (there's this line in the Sears book about how if baby makes a face when you feed him then he's not ready, well, Avi is not at all ready judging by the fact that he grimmaced and then started to cry after the banana), switching gears, then piling him into the ergo to get him to nap. M started out wearing him but then we switched 'cause he wanted to nurse and we've been really into nursing on the go lately.

The sweetest part of the day was when M relented in her efforts to get him to nap (every time she put him down he woke up crying; I'm telling you, this kid wants to be held and that's my thing about having a nanny--I don't care if she holds him for his nap! I don't need him to suddenly learn to nap in his crib. I really believe he'll do it eventually. 5 months old is still pretty damn young. I digress.) and I sat on the bed and nursed him to sleep, then dozed off myself and we lounged like that for about an hour. The good old days of maternity leave. How come it took me this long to truly appreciate it??

Leeor just left for the airport; he has a red-eye to Boston, where he 'll partcipate in a mock trial. Luckily, he'll be home Thursday night. But we both felt like it was harder for him to leave now. I feel a night of insomnia creeping in. Not for Avi, I hope, but I'm not holding my breath. I fully expect a lot of night-waking during all this transition. Maybe he'll surprise me and sleep through the night.

All I know is, I'm greatful for many things right now. For my family; my beautiful boy who is growing and changing every day, who continues to make me fall in love with him a little bit more when I thought it impossible to feel even more love than I already felt, my husband, who is kind, sensitive and working his ass off so that I could have such a long leave, we could hire a nanny and possibly buy a house in the ridiculously expensive bay area (with some help from the economy hanging out in the toilet; thanks, GW, I mean it), and who continues to make lots of lovely dinners for me and never, ever cares for one minute what the house looks like, and honestly, for my job. It's a good job, and they are letting me ease back into things these next two months. I appreciate that.