First week back, second time around

When I got to my desk on Wednesday morning, I noticed a shiny new lapel pin, a gift from UCSF for 3 years of service. I laughed to myself because I have had two children within those three years . . . the IT guy also noticed it when he came to help retrieve my documents from my old hard drive and exclaimed, "Why arent' you wearing this!" as he sported 2 of them. Dude, I wanted to say but didn't, I don't have a lapel.

***
I was surprised at how easy it felt, in some ways, to back at work. It was harder to cross the bridge from that life back to the one I've been living since my Lilit was born. I've been home for four months, but only 3 of them were with my girl in tow. She is younger than Avi was when I went back to work the first time. I am older in more ways than one, grounded in my mama/worker self. I bore two gorgeous babies but also feel called to help other people's babies and families. This work picked me; I never imagined myself in this role.


Standing on morning rounds, all the medical terms came flying at me with some familiarity. It was surreal. I feel rusty, but it's much easier for me to be present and attentive now than when I was super pregnant back in April. My co-workers are incredibly wonderful people, though I was reminded that there is plenty more to my job than having lunch in my office with good friends.

There is a feeling of competence that I sometimes feel on the job that I don't always feel at home. And I can usually eat and use the restroom uninterrupted, which is another plus.


I talked about my kids all day. When I pictured Lilit, I tried not to dwell on an image of her crying her heart out with nanny M. Instead I imagined her getting to know and love a woman who will become another attachment figure. I swallowed my guilt over this, acknowledged my sadness and got back to work.


***

I was beyond excited to pick up my kids Wednesday afternoon. Dashing out of work, I realized that driving across town after 4pm isn't that much faster than taking the bus. Dismayed but still elated to reunite with Avi and Lilit, I listened to the first bit of All Things Considered on NPR and felt I was spending my time wisely. Truly, I have not been aware of what's going on in the world outside my love nest since Lilit was born.

The pick-up was smooth at first. My friend's house is lovely and the nanny had her mother helping her, so I knew my kids had been in good hands. M told me there had been some rough spots and I suspected she downplayed them somewhat for my benefit. Still, we all buckled into the car and headed home without too much drama. It was after 5 by the time we arrived home. It was hot; we were all sweaty and hungry.

Avi found his leftover cereal bowl from our morning together still perched on the leather ottoman we use for a coffee table. He kept repeating how he wanted me to take his spoon so he could drink the milk. I was distracted; Lilit remained in her carseat while I lugged in bags and the breast pump. I took his bowl and dumped it in the sink, "Oh, no, honey, this has been sitting out all day. It will make you sick if you drink it," and continued my bustle of arriving to a disorderly house after a big day for all of us. Avi wasn't having it.

His cheeks were flushed and his beautiful eyes grew huge and slicked with fresh tears, "Go back to work, Mommy!" he screeched, "I will stay here by myself ALL DAY!" Oh, my sweet boy. My sensitive, emotionally intelligent son. He was so hungry and tired. He'd played in the park with my good friend and her son, played at their house, napped with the nanny and listened to his sister cry for mama.

I held out a spoonful of yogurt, "Would you like a bite of this?" He calmed enough to say yes and swallowed the first of many spoonfuls. There were more snacks and a chocolate milk treat. I nursed Lilit, and then it was her turn to fuss. I fretted about our attachment and Leeor soothed me when he came home, "It was a hot day, honey. She didn't sleep much. She's just tired. Your attachment is just fine." She passed out and slept all night, as did I, and we awoke to our living room awash in the sun's early glow.

***

We had an orientation at Avi's preschool Thursday. He begins in earnest on Tuesday but yesterday morning we all traipsed in together. Well, Lilit dozed in her carseat while Avi sampled arts and crafts, chose the *best* cubby and met his teachers. His school, Gan Noe, is run by a Chabad, which is a pretty orthodox Jewish synagogue. But the place is nowhere near religious. I do love the international flavor of it; kids were speaking French, Russian and Hebrew. Avi was macking on the girls. I'm totally not kidding. I had to lure him out of there with a snack; we had to take Leeor to work and then I needed to drop off the kids and head to work myself.

It was another post-work meltdown for Avi later that day, but I was prepared. Harder, still, was being on-call at home with two kids while Leeor worked late. I was bouncing Lilit, holding my hand up to Avi (worst mama moment ever) while I cradled the phone to my ear and attempted a quick psychosocial assessment. Sheesh.

Then Leeor came home and we did the divide and conquer bedtime ritual before passing out ourselves . . .

All told, I only worked two days this week and it felt like a lot.

But then today I got to be at home with my kids. Suddenly, my summer with them is colored with perfection; in my mind it was blissful. Because it was, somehow. Being at work makes me appreciate every single moment with them now. Even though Lilit actually woke up during the night last night and then arose at 5:20, which she never, ever does, and I felt so wrecked this morning that Avi offered to take care of me.

Moments are so transitory . . . the fog lifted this morning just as we headed out for a park date with good friends and it was all I needed to shift back into my stay-at-home self. Leeor came home early and Lilit and I treated ourselves to a pedicure. I had all the intention in the world to go to a local film festival tonight to see our friend's documentary but alas, here I am in my robe with a dining table full of laundry and a kitchen begging to be cleaned. My kids and husband are in bed.

There will be challah french toast and chicken sausage for breakfast in the morning and a long weekend to savor with friends. I love looking forward to things while reflecting on where we've been.

***

As I stood in the warmth of the sun at the park with my friend and our kids this morning, I thought again about this particular time in my life. My family feels complete when we sit at the table together. I look forward to learning more and growing into my work. Motherhood doesn't feel so much like work but instead like a gift that I get to re-open over and over again.

After Avi was born, I didn't want to return to work. The possibility of life as a stay-at-home mom billowed out before me then; Leeor was practicing law at a firm and money wasn't an issue. Something made me go back, if only to test it out. In that process, I found my truest self (again) and also learned to loosen the reigns on my child, which was good for both of us.

I have mentioned before that Lilit's birth has made feel more sure-footed, rooted into myself, my arms reaching wide to encircle my family but also the world around me. I need to do this work just as much as I need to mother my children. They are separate tasks but also intertwined. I look forward wading deeper into both waters, and am so grateful to have my partner at my side to remind me of my capability.