Tuesday night--the good old days of maternity leave floated through my mind as I parked the car across the street from Chenery Park; it's Family Night and I am at the computer while both my kids sleep downstairs. I love the quiet. Leeor is at a movie with a friend and I am amazed at how easy it was to get both kids bathed and into bed by myself. Not that there weren't moments, but it's funny to me how being back at work makes me feel more capable of Everything.

This morning didn't share the carefree feelings of tonight. I burst into tears while running downstairs for socks. Leeor was brushing his teeth, surprised by my outburst, "I just can't do this!" I gasped while swiping at the toilet paper roll to wipe my nose. Leeor was nonplussed, "And what is "this," exactly?" Just then, Avi called down, "Mommy!" He had a question that I honestly can't remember. We were in the throes of our new morning routine that has me running around once my feet hit the shiny hardwood sometime around 6:30. Ok, 6:47 or so. His darling voice stopped me in my tracks. I didn't answer Leeor and he didn't persist. I think we both knew I was just having a moment. A just-back-to-work-after-maternity-leave-and-oh-it-feels-hard-and-what-kind-of-lifestyle-did-we-choose moment. I took a deep breath and went upstairs. It was Avi's turn to be tearful,
"I don't want to go to school! I wanna stay home all day!" a chorus on repeat for awhile. I tried different tactics. I had empathy. Validation. I joined in, "I don't want to go to work either, sweetie. I wish we could stay home together all day," but that wasn't soothing, either. We just had to go. So Leeor took a turn waiting for nanny M to pick up our girl while I got Avi into the car. His first day not riding the bike with his Aba to school. I was nervous about the drop-off.

It was hard. I stopped to answer a page while parked on Cesar Chavez Street. Avi sat quietly in the backseat. I wonder now if I was just delaying the inevitable. One of the kids was crying his head off the whole time I was there with Avi. I think he may have stopped when Avi started in, or perhaps he only paused, but I don't know because I left. As I stood outside and waved to Avi from the window, his face awash in snot and tears, I saw his teacher motion for me to go. Painfully, I turned around and walked to my car. I saw another mom pull up with her daughter. The little one waved to me so sweetly that I welcomed the distraction. As I chatted with them, Avi's teacher came flying out of the gate, "Oh good, you're still here," she panted. I love this young woman because I know Avi has chosen her as his mommy substitute and I am so happy he's bonding with her. She clearly loves him, too, "Avi changed his mind! He does want the green blanket!" All of her speech is filled with exuberance that is perfect for toddlers and sometimes challenging for me but still, I just love her. I handed her the blanket while feeling very self-conscious and headed to work, wracked with anxiety. I couldn't even listen to the news

Work work work. The past two days have been insane. I read my last post and laughed. When it gets busy at work, I feel shredded. Going to the dentist this morning to have my (first two ever!! wtf? why now?) cavities filled felt like a break.

At least the silver lining is that I feel so competent with my children. I ducked into Canyon Market, our local grocery around the corner from Chenery Park. I needed bread, eggs, wine and some fruit. Greens. Yogurt. During the morning drop off, I'd promised Avi a chocolate chip cookie. I didn't have the ergo, so I held Lilit while Avi sat in the cart. People helped me (an aside--it has become a big pet peeve of mine when people exclaim, upon seeing a woman with two young children, "Boy, you sure have your hands full!" I'm almost to the point of not being polite during these exchanges. Stay tuned) maneuver the cart around the tiny checkout. I am a familiar face in the store thanks to many hours logged there over the summer. There is a nice sense of community in the store, which helps me feel less harried.

We three arrived at home. No fuss. Plenty of mess but I told myself to just focus on the kids and our time together. I knew bedtime would be early and I wanted to enjoy every moment.

Bathtime is my favorite part of the nighttime routine. I missed Leeor the most then--we are getting so good at having fun during these divide-and-conquer moments. I miss him now, too, even though I also treasure these quiet moments alone.

I think the clean up can wait a bit longer. This working mama needs some quality time on her yoga mat.