Soundtrack

This morning I realized I've been back at work four weeks. It's funny how life can be organized in measurements of time. I realized that most acutely once I had kids.

Lilit's birth marked such a specific turning point in my family's life. We, as women, note these milestones and rituals of birth, development, and I suppose ultimately death, though no one likes to talk about that last one. I don't mean to *go there* on a Monday night but there it is.

This morning went like clockwork. Our nanny arrived even before I thought she would. She helped get us out the door because Avi is not so manipulative with her. Leeor and I are like putty in his hands--and while M is certainly loving, she has no time for his sophisticated psychological games. I nervously watched him ride off on the bike with Leeor while M loaded Lilit into her car. I climbed into mine with the empty infant carseat--I'd need it to pick her up at the end of the day. I felt guilty about how easy it was to leave her. Avi is the one commanding attention during the morning separation. Lilit is mellow; I put her in M's carseat and she smiled, sucked on her teething toy and burbled away. She looked delicious in a stripped pink one-piece--with a hoodie!--that I got her during our girls' shopping trip Friday. As I drove away, I decided I needed a soundtrack.

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How I wish I could talk in detail about what happens at work!! I really do. It's fascinating and upsetting, sad, real and good.

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Nanny M texted me that she'd run out of frozen breast milk for my girl and could I leave work a little early? The worst part of my day was racing across town, trying to get to a girl I imagined was starving. I took a different street, thinking it would be less trafficked and therefore faster, but it was a mistake. I found myself at a stoplight, yelling the f-word in my car. Like my 2 and a half year old does sometimes, I screamed. I motioned, not kindly, at the guy in front of me, to scoot forward so I could turn right on a red. He tried. It was really generous of him. I still couldn't turn til the light turned green, which was a good thing. Forced to pause, I got some perspective. What was I doing?

Along with deep breaths, I needed some music. A soundtrack for my feelings. I found Missy Elliot, which helped. I turned up the sound and inhaled. Zoomed across South Van Ness to Cesar Chavez, turned right on Folsom. Left on Peralta. Ah. The corner store. The park. A guy getting out of a car, holding his guitar. Sunny September with its crisp air.

Lilit wasn't crying when I showed up. She was perched in M's arms, sucking her pacifier, content to watch the other baby swing and babble.

***

A patient's mother asked me how I can leave my young children to go to work. It was a comment meant to go right through me and it worked. My mind raced while I kept my cool and swallowed the nausea that arose on cue. When I was walking down the hall moments later, I ran into a colleague. The sun glinted behind her and I was so caught up wishing I'd said something else in response that it took me a moment to recognize her. It helped to have her remind me I could revisit the topic with this woman.

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Tonight, I played with Avi after his bath; Lilit went to sleep early and I was free to focus on my firstborn. We completed a puzzle he'd begun with Safta, who had a quick visit with the kids before she went to the airport to collect Saba.

"The flower is crying," he said as he pointed to a flower that had a drop of water next to it.

I wondered about it a bit with him, slipping into child therapist mode but remaining his Mommy. These moments with my son take my breath away. It's him processing how it is to be apart from me. He struggles with this but he also copes well; he picks another person, like his teacher, to help him feel safe. It's a beautiful, painful process. Avi goes back and forth between babyhood and toddlerhood right now, and we are here to help him through it. We underestimated how it would be for him to go to school.

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I also need a soundtrack for the mornings. Our local NPR station has been doing a pledge drive, so I channel surf to find nada. All the CDs in the car have been in there for like, ever, and yes, Astral Weeks is my favorite Van Morrison album, but I need some variety. I hope I remember to bring some good tunes tomorrow morning. I will need them to help me through the separation from my family. They mean everything to me.