What it feels like

Yesterday I had my first meltdown about going back to work and leaving my baby girl.

It hit me hard because I'd been so unaware, so deep in my la-la love nest with her. Our nanny picked Avi up in the morning as I prepared (harriedly, frantically; man, it's hard to get out the house before 11:00 on cold foggy mornings) to head to the dentist with Lilit snug in her carseat. She slept while my teeth were cleaned. I needed a treat after that.

I had an appointment at the salon, but first we had enough time for lamb shawarma at King of Falafel and a dark-chocolate covered graham for dessert. She didn't awake until the foils were steady on my locks, and then she nursed herself back to sleep. I snuggled her while I was shampooed, trimmed and blow-dried. As I write this, it reminds me of the book I often read to Avi, Dandelion, about a lion who tries to fancy-up his appearance and is then unrecognized by his friends when he shows up at the party.

I felt the opposite after I left the salon; utterly the same. There was no miracle transformation; I didn't feel super hot or coiffed or glamorous. I felt the departure of a good chunk of change from my bank account and I felt guilt. The wind whipped my hair around--it didn't care about how much I'd dropped for a professional blow-dry.

Ironically, Leeor had also gotten a haircut that day. Neither of us noticed that the other had altered hair. Leeor was tired from the first week of his new job. We picked at each other until I realized my snippiness was really about this upcoming separation from Lilit. It hit me when I lay down in my bed while she was fast asleep in her own little co-sleeper beside me. She needed nothing in that moment. Her breathing was smooth and even. I found myself shaking with quiet sobs and I crept out of bed so as not to awaken her.

My husband looked at me with concern (the news was alight with the joyous decision Judge Walker made--that Prop 8 was unconstitutional, 188 pages of good stuff about marriage equality, and Leeor was listening and watching til my teary face showed up) and turned off the TV. I explained, through sobs and deep, gulping breaths, about how sad I felt that my symbiotic time with Lilit felt cut off too soon, that I had more time at home with Avi, that I was fearful. Even as I knew, and know, that all will be okay. I really, really know this. But I had to feel the overwhelming sadness, too.

I imagine I still will feel it. Being a mom the second time around feels so grounding. I flew through BabysRus today after a nightmare morning when I ran out of pull-ups for Avi and stood at my neighbor's door, hoping they were home and feeling grateful they have a toddler boy who still wears diapers.

We bought a new potty for Avi. He picked it out; it's in the shape of a car and he loves it. I am perhaps not the best person to teach him how to tuck his penis into the bowl so pee doesen't spill out. I say this because of all the times Avi wanted to sit on his new potty today, the one time he peed (which was SO CUTE--he jumped up and said, "Oh, I think I hafta pee!"), it wasn't exactly into the potty. He's so ready.

Every day is good. There are moments of despair and triumph--damn, I made a good lasagna today, for instance--but the best part is how much we love each other. Leeor and I bicker and play the "who's more tired game" sometimes, but mostly we marvel at the wonders of our kids, shake our heads at the blessings we've received and listen and support each other.

I don't want to spend the next four weeks mourning what hasn't happened yet. Today I found myself changing Lilit's diaper for the billionth time, but I was wholly present. I took in every contour of her beautiful face, her flowered pajamas, her soft, olive skin. The way she gazed at me with such love. She is sleeping well, eating well, doing all the things 10 week old babies are *supposed* to do. And I am bathed, again, in gratitude, wonder and joy at the journey--not so much when I am bawling like a 10 week old, myself, but sometimes a good cry moves me forward.

After our trip to BabysRus, we hit the In N Out drive through. It was a classy day for me. But it felt like the right thing to do. Avi ate the fries while I gobbled the cheeseburger. Then he slept a measly hour while Lilit and I nursed and burped and I tried not to feel oppressed by the mess in our tiny living room/kitchen/dining room. After I got over my initial annoyance that he barely slept, I reveled in the fun of spending an afternoon with both kids. Even as we froze at the park. Even when Avi was flipping out because he was so tired. It feels good to be their mom, to be the wife waiting for Leeor to come home. It feels good to be in the moment of this time in our lives.