Out of the fog

I don't remember complaining about San Francisco summer fog as much as I have complained about it this week. Leeor left Thursday morning for a youth court conference with his students so perhaps my intolerance for the weather was also a reflection of my mood. Either way, there were more reasons than not to get out of the city so we headed east to visit Grandma in Sacramento and meet up with Aba for a special dinner with his students.

As tired as I am of the fog, it makes for some good indoor playtime, which is something my Avi loves very much. Thursday morning, after Leeor left in his rented van to pick up his students (the van is also something Avi loves very much and keeps talking about in addition to his repeated idea that we need a new car, a little green one, to be specific), Lilit took a lengthy nap while Avi and I played with legos. It was so good for us. Sometimes his diction and syntax fool me into thinking he's much older than his 29 months but no, he's still more baby than big boy, or as he aptly puts it, he's a "big tiny boy." He needs quality time with his mama and I love spending one-on-one time with him.

Avi loves visiting family and friends, so when he woke up from his nap Thursday afternoon, he was all too happy to pile into the car with Lilit and me and head to Sacramento. Unfortunately, at 4:00, this less than 2 hour drive took us about 4 hours, and not because we stopped a lot. It took us an hour to reach the Bay Bridge and by the time we were lumbering across, Avi claimed he could see Grandma's house. A stop for chocolate milk in Fairfield, plus a dinner stop at Baja Fresh in Vacaville, where we got a lot of laughs out of the word "taquitos!" repeated over and over, helped us on our way.

And it was hot in Sacramento! I loved it but am no longer accustomed to the sweat factor. I complain about San Francisco summer fog but hardly have the stamina I used to for that central valley heat--and I am a central valley girl! We had dinner Friday night with Leeor and his sweet youth court students at a restaurant overlooking the river and the temperature was higher at 6:00 than it had been at noon. The teenage girls fought over who would hold Lilit and I was alternately appreciative and lecturing them on the pitfalls of teen pregnancy--they were very polite about the exchange.

It was a long drive back home and I had to turn on the heater in the car as the outside temperature dropped. I felt incredibly competent as I shuttled both sleeping children into our home, which was spotless (!) due to the professional cleaning job that had occurred while we were away. Avi's arms wrapped tightly around me as I lowered him into bed felt wonderfully warm and loving, like some leftover heat from the central valley warming our cold, empty house.

Today we crossed another bridge for a toddler birthday party in San Rafael. It was sunny in the city but still cold and windy. Marin was warm and Avi swam in a kiddie pool, ate chocolate cake for lunch and I enjoyed some grownup conversation. My girl napped contentedly in a rocking chair on their beautiful, sun dappled deck while Avi kept telling me "I'm not ready to go!" Neither was I. While I firmly believe the key to temporary single parenting is to *get out and stay busy*, all the driving was wearing on me. How I wished I could magically zap us home!

Avi dozed in the car on our way back from Marin and when we arrived home, the wind whipped around us and goosebumps sprang up on my skin. Lilit had just begun to cry as I parked the car. Avi started his own cry, "Mommy! Hold me!! Hold me! Hold me!" and instead of feeling irritated or explaining to him that I couldn't possibly hold him, baby-in-the-carseat and all our sundries schlepped for a daylong outing as we walked the half-block to our building, I simply picked him up. I kept saying, "Your mommy is awesome!" while we giggled together, Lilit as quickly asleep as she had awoken. As we reached the door, Avi decided he could walk like a big boy up the stairs.

Tonight my girl and I are again cozy on our living room couch while I watch In Treatment and admire the fleeting order and cleanliness around me. It's good to be home, but it will be even better when Leeor returns tomorrow night. Saba and Safta are coming in the morning; I get to cross a bridge out of the city one more time this weekend to attend a bridal shower for a dear friend, perhaps my first childless foray into the world since Lilit was born. I feel excited and anxious with anticipation, which is why I use the word perhaps . . . will I take Lilit with me, or not?

I just looked over at her to catch her mid-stretch, a succession of grunts emerging from her sleeping, soft self. She looks so big to me. It's ridiculous, because everywhere we go, and we have been out and about quite a lot in the short month since she was born, people remark on her newness, her little-ness, but to me she is growing at a breakneck pace. I even love when she cries; when Avi cried at this age, I felt overwhelmed and disoriented. Lilit's cries remind me of her newness and vulnerability, and also of my responsibility to attend to her needs. They feel necessary. She cries because that is what 4 week old babies do. I love the lusty newborn cry. It means she is healthy.

Soon I will take her downstairs to bed. She loves her co-sleeper and I love being right next to her. Avi woke up at 5:30 this morning and wanted to come into my bed. I let him and we fell asleep for another hour or so, at least, I did, until his soft, warm hands found my face and I heard him say, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, is it awake time?" and though I tried to tell him it wasn't, there was no fooling him.

Tomorrow our Aba will be back. As awesome as I am, I really need my partner home. I can handle the fog if he's here.