Rambling into April

Four more weeks of work, four more weeks of work, four more weeks of work.

This I remind myself as I lug my heavy body around. While I have been feeling really good, and to my memory, especially good for trimester 3, I suddenly feel So. Tired. It's only when I practice yoga that I recover my energy, strength and some semblance of grace. Maintaining those qualities off the mat is the challenge.

I am nesting like a madwoman, which manifests in spontaneous cleaning of baseboards. Never have I cared about the baseboards. Now they disgust me unless they are dust free. It's an amazing process, pregnancy. My mom said that when she began to care about the cleanliness of the baseboards, she went into labor soon afterward.

Avi has been asking about baby sister and even started including her in his requests (eg., "Baby sister wants to come, too!" as he persistently asked to go outside on this cold, rainy afternoon). I showed him a calendar and counted 6 more weeks until she will be, as he says, "ready to come out." He said it's going to be 4 weeks, not 6, with the certainty and firm tone of a toddler. He has settled into his two year old self with a lot of moxie. I love it though I also have moments where I feel too tired to deal with his moxie.

My second licensing exam looms somewhat oppressively. I simultaneously have no interest in studying as well as an intense compulsion to pass the thing before I give birth. Perhaps analogous to the baseboard cleaning, which at least offers immediate, albeit shallow, satisfaction. Studying is a big, boring bear. These clinical vignettes hold little interest for me but I muddle through practice tests here and there. Leeor reassures me, "You're going to be fine! You don't even need to study!" and while I know he means this to be helpful, I get all sensitive, and sputter-y, another third trimester malady. While I can't go far enough into the future to imagine myself back at work post-maternity-leave, I like the idea of arriving at that place armed with options. Here's to more studying over the next couple of weeks . . .

As I was rambling along this post, Avi cried out for me with some urgency. This happened last week, too; only a half hour or so after he went to bed we heard him wake with wild dreams. Tonight he was crying and seemed scared. I knocked over my water glass in my haste to get downstairs to him. I remain so connected to his feeling states! We took several deep breaths together and he soothed. He asked for me to sing Om Shanti and what he calls "the sleep song" from Mary Poppins. Lately I catch myself feeling incredibly present in certain moments with Avi. I find myself feeling like it's almost "too easy" to be his mama. It feels right that another little being will enter our space and we will jostle ourselves around to create a place for her.

More rambling . . .

Avi had his first big chocolate indulgence today when he dug into the Easter basket Grandma brought for him. My mom thoughtfully filled half of the plastic eggs with trail mix, but Avi was onto to us. He'd shake an egg, ask for help opening it, and look greedily inside. "I LOVE chocolate!" He proclaimed several times. I can relate. And when I set limits (ha! that was funny), he would suggest that "Maybe Aba wants some chocolate," or Mommy, or Grandma. After he proffered the treat to any of us, he'd finagle a bite for himself. He's getting really wily and quick on his feet. I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified. Mostly I have to laugh.

Spring feels like a good season for renewal, uprising and rebirth; the religious holidays of Passover and Easter carry these themes and I like celebrating both--in our own family way, of course--I also like the weather--warm and promising for a few days and then cold and rainy. The latter supports my inward focus of this last bit of pregnancy. I feel quiet and cozy, reflective and still. I love to write in my journal while sitting in bed at night, usually after a long bubble bath. I can't seem to turn in without a long soak these days. Being at work definitely feels contrary to this state, but I will stay with my mantra--four more weeks of work!

Then I can't wait to have this baby girl. New babies are so energizing when they are born. It's almost like a re-birth for ourselves, our sense of purpose and place in the world, a time when new opportunities arise. It's exciting. I'm not there yet, but I look forward to it. What better time than Spring to welcome new life?