Circling the Bay; Slouching Towards One

Finally getting around to some "birth art" almost a year later . . .

I took these two on Friday from our balcony; the morning was fog shrouded and the afternoon so clear! I love this place.

Was this really a year ago? When I look at the picture, yeah, I get it. But the feelings are quite different from reality . . .

I have so much to say, but if I wait another day or two the post will just become even longer and more rambling. So here goes.

I'll start from today and work backward. What a great day, and also a good learning experience. The duck was sans mom so we hopped in the car and headed across the Bay Bridge to Alameda. Avi loves the duck so much. Check out some cute pictures of them at kareneliotspeaks.blogspot.com. It was a really gorgeous day and they cruised this outdoor mall and ate french fries while we three grown ups marvelled at them. Then I really missed Mollie when the two dads earnestly starting watching a football game.

Leeor had to teach his youth court class this afternoon, so Avi and I decided to go with him down to Palo Alto, because there is an IKEA there, and I've had this burning desire to buy some shelves for our back hallway, which is home to a whole lot of our junk. Here's where the learning experience comes in. IKEA, on a Sunday afternoon, is incredibly stimulating. I didn't exactly know what I was looking for. My last IKEA trip was during my pregnancy, and I was efficient, having scoured the catalog for what I needed before I went. Vanessa came with me as soon as they opened in the morning and we were in and out of there so fast. Life is a little different now. So is Avi. Here's where things get more rambly, so bear with me. I'll get to the point eventually.

Avi turns one in a few weeks. I have been quite emotional about it, and have been experiencing a flood of memories about the end of my pregnancy, like the way his folded up body felt inside of me, not to mention his birth and then the subsequent few weeks. They are powerful, sensory-laden memories and I love savoring every last one of them. Maybe that's why it's been hard to blog lately, as there is so much to say.

Avi is changing at an increasingly rapid pace. Leeor and I are trying desperately to keep up but we often feel bewildered. I unnecessarily fret about not doing the right things at the right time, but this is my particular neurosis. Well, one of them. I just need to keep listening to myself, and try my best to roll with all the changes. I worry that I will somehow stifle his burgeoning autonomy. I said that to Leeor tonight as we struggled to get Avi to bed. What autonomy? Leeor asked. He's 11 months old! But that's just it. He is becoming autonomous in his own little way, and I want to encourage and support it. Which brings us to this afternoon at IKEA. Avi was tired. We'd had a full day with the duck, a good amount of time in the car, and then there we were, surrounded by scores of people all frantic to buy their Swedish goods. Suddenly, I was that mother in line with a sceaming child. People were staring. Avi was arching his back, tears streaming down his inflamed cheeks, gutteral sounds like I'd never heard flowing out of his mouth. I didn't know what to do. I contemplated just leaving all our junk and walking out. Did I really need shelving units and a teapot and those plastic plug covers? But I did! I told myself we would get through it. I tried to soothe Avi. A kind woman in line ahead of me gave me an empathic look. I fumbled for my wallet. Avi kept screaming. He's never done that before. I kept trying to attend to him and then he suddenly calmed down, distracted by the cash register. I asked if someone could help me to the car. An employee, an older male, took my flatbed cart with the too-heavy boxes and said, Oh, now he decides to be quiet? I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch him. Didn't he know what we'd just been through? And how amazing it was that we made it to the other side? I actually said something snide as I walked behind him, but I said it mostly under my breath. I almost started crying. I felt like an idiot, a bad mother, like people were shaking their heads at me and wondering why this mess of a woman would deign to bring her child to IKEA at 5pm on a Sunday. We went to pick Leeor up from his class (after I had to forcibly place Avi in his carseat, another choice parenting moment) and I finally let the tears flow as Avi slept and we made our way up the peninsula back to the city, completing our circle around the bay.

It's been quite a year so far. It started with Gila's beautiful wedding in Tucson, which was a very quick trip for the three of us. Then we got terribly sick when we got home. I only went to work one day this last week. It reminded me of the old days with Avi, the simpler days when my whole existence revolved around caring for him, nursing him, getting him to nap by walking miles with him in the ergo. We spent so much time together. This week was like that a little because he wasn't really eating due to his flu. His sleep patterns were like the early days, too. I am still exhausted from it.

By Friday we were finally on the mend so we joined some of my social worker mom friends and their kiddos and headed to Marin and the Children's Discovery Museum. What a blast. It was a sunny, warm, day filled with good company, comraderie, kids laughing and enjoying themselves. I love these women. They are smart,funny and sensitive. There is no bullshit nor any drama. They are great mothers and they inspire me. It is easy and satisfying to hang out with them.

Yesterday, my mom came to watch Avi while Leeor and I went to San Rafael to see a documentary about the rape of Congolese women. I can't say I "enjoyed" the movie, but I'm glad I saw it. Robin Wright Penn was there, stunningly beautiful, talking passionately about these women and the need for all of us to do something. Of course, having awareness about these tragedies that occur worldwide at every moment puts things into perspective. My angst about Avi turning one hardly seems justifiable in comparison. But then we came home to him sprawled out on my mom's chest while she was reclined on the couch. It was the sweetest thing. He is so big. He used to fit just so on our torsos while he slept, but now his limbs tumble off to the side. His changes are incredible to watch.

It's nice to appreciate him though other people, too. Jesse and Ngan came over last night after my mom went home (and Avi was up, because he'd had a late nap with my mom) and they had nothing but love, joy and excitement for Avi. We at delicious pizza and I was thrilled that Avi was eating it, too, not just the crust but the tomato-cheesy-sausage-herbs part, too. He even tried some celery-root salad! Jesse and Leeor talked some law while Ngan and I talked wedding and family stuff. 2009 will bring us another slew of weddings and I can't wait. They are so much fun! I felt comfortable enough to share my recent art project with them, so I will share it here, too. Last weekend, before The big Flu blew in, I went to a 2 hour painting workshop at a studio two blocks away from our place. It was so fun. I am not a painter. But my auntie and uncle are. Jesse and Ngan told me I was such a hippie after I showed them my painting. I felt like one while making it. We had no instruction, per se; we just went nuts with tempera paint and slab of paper tacked to the wall. Of course, almost a year after he was born, I was totally feeing Avi's birth and painted my little heart out. I love living in this spiritual, artistic, intellectual and socially conscious community with the back drop of stunning bodies of water, trees, buildings, bridges and hills in which we are raising our child. Now we have to get ready to fly east next week for the inaugeration, so I suppose we won't get too settled this week. But of course I will try.