Dismantle

Leeor and I don't always see eye-to-eye when it comes to movies. He went to film school, which is awesome because he's shared that knowledge with me, but sometimes I just want to watch popular schlock and not have to slog through all the IFC recommendations on Netflix. However, as much as he disdains romantic comedies, he'll still suggest watching one every now and then 'cause he knows it makes me happy . . .


There's one movie that we both fell in love with-- I "heart" Huckabees. It's about these existential detectives played by Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman. They are hilarious. Their clients must "dismantle" parts of themselves in order to resolve their existential dilemmas. Not a lot of people enjoyed this movie, but we own it and watch it quite a lot.


Moving right now feels a bit like dismantling. We've only been here a year. We were pregnant when we moved in, and I remember having such a hard time sleeping the first few weeks. Our old 'hood was noisy and edgy while this one was quiet and filled with young parents pushing strollers. Now we are among those parents.


Becoming a parent has made it easier for me to roll with life in ways I struggled with pre-Avi. Like moving. I don't like living in a partially dismantled house but whatever. I worry about Avi feeling our stress and that makes me more determined to chill out. Plus, he's such a cutie. Maybe I'm making things up again, but I swear he's excited about the new place. He was all smiles and giggles when we went over there yesterday.


As a parent I find myself feeling more vulnerable and insecure in other ways. I am more self-critical, unfortunately less inclined to trust my instincts. Like today, when I was talking to co-workers (who specialize in pediatric gastroenterology) about how Avi is digging yogurt, amongst other foods, and they freaked me out. They fretted about him being too young for yogurt and that it may cause vomiting and (get this) bloody stool. That's what you want to talk about at 10 AM before you've had your second cup of coffee.


At the end of the day, during which, M reported, Avi enjoyed a few spoonfuls of his organic Yo Baby banana yogurt, I realize that I have to trust my instincts when it comes to being Avi's mom. And that I'm myself as a mother, not anyone else. It also helped that I talked to a social worker who is an attachment guru as far as I'm concerned and she validated the yogurt. But isn't funny that I got so worked up about it??


The dismantling is taking place a little bit all the time. My world was so small and focused for the first 6 months after Avi was born. It's opening up more and more and I get anxious about my place in it. I guess all I can do is (there's no way to say this without sounding cheesy) just take deep breaths and try to stay present in each moment. I must admit that I'm feeling very nostalgic for the early days with Avi, and since I've yet to post a video, I decided to start with one from our first two weeks with him. . . I miss those days of napping together! An original short film by my baby daddy: