Back to basics

Seven weeks ago, our little Lilit was born. The physical sensations of her birth are less and less tangible to me. She grows bigger and stronger each day. Her presence in our family solidifies. I love the way she smiles, coos, and says, "Ah-goo!" It's so sweet.

We have done a lot with our little girl in the fast-passing seven weeks since she was born. Sometimes I felt like we did too much, but we simply couldn't help ourselves. We were excited to explore the world with our two kids.

The past two weeks have been especially whirlwind-like, and our little family drove from our home down to Monterey and back, only to pack up and head east to Davis, where we heartily welcomed our beautiful nephew, Isaac Mason. Then it was home again to touch base before turning around and driving up to the gorgeous mountains of Truckee, where we spent a lovely weekend with new friends.

It was on our way up to Truckee that I called my doctor to see if she could fill a prescription for me as I was convinced I'd developed mastitis. This was something I feared terribly when Avi was a newborn and it took me by surprise to find a painfully sore spot on my breast last Thursday night. Wasn't I past this potential ailment? My overly tired body shook with fever as we rumbled up to Truckee and I was only too glad to turn in early after Leeor had taken the helm for our family. He was wonderful all weekend and I am always grateful to have a partner who can jump in when I am flailing.

Now we are home, back to reasonable bedtimes and steady naps. Avi asks, "Is it awake time?" when he feels a sleep deadline coming on. He insists he needs "a few more minutes" before he'll acquiesce to a bath or his bed. He has also taken to saying with great emotion, "I love you, baby!" as he lunges in for a kiss or a hug and Lilit is all smiles, "Look at that smile!" he loves to exclaim at any opportunity.

This yucky infection has reminded me, again, that my girl is still little, I am still healing, and our family is transitioning to this beautiful place of four. We need to slow down a little, enjoy our time together and bask in the sunshine when it makes its appearance in the city.

I am trying to let go more, to do less, but it's challenging. As I lay in bed tonight and listened to Lilit steadily sucking on her pacifier while tucked snugly into her co-sleeper, I thought of all I should be doing upstairs. I felt so tired, though. So I simply lay there long after she fell asleep and let myself drift off for a bit. If not now, when will I take care of myself?

The clean laundry remains splashed across the dining table, a few pieces folded. The dishwasher still begs to be emptied. But there is bread dough rising on the cutting board and soon a fresh loaf will enter the oven to emerge later for a pre-bed snack. Leeor is on his way home and I like to wait up for him. I can tell him about how I walked the Embarcadero with Lilit while Avi enjoyed a playdate with his nanny at the Discovery Museum, how it felt so good to just be with my girl and then to reunite with our toddler.

Yesterday, Avi remarked, "You're good at finding things, Mommy," as I dug through his toy box and delighted in each successful find of "lost" items. Leeor smiled at this because it's true. I am good at finding things, but mostly I want to be good at finding myself, over and over again. My family needs me whole, and so do I.