Musings of maternity leave

I love having a daughter. Getting her dressed is so much fun and I am bathing in pink lately, though I love her blue dress, red onesie and green outfits, too. See what I mean? And I suspect being able to dress her is fleeting--soon enough she will be telling me she loathes pink and would rather die than be caught in a dress. Or something like that.

Don't get me wrong, I love boys' clothes, too. Avi in a polo shirt is just about the cutest thing ever. Especially when his Aba is also wearing a polo shirt. And even though many dear people in my life disagree with me on this one, I love when his hair is on the longish and shaggy side.

Both my kids seem to be blessed with The Lashes--they come straight from Leeor and are long, thick and gorgeous. And while I was thrilled when it turned out Avi and I share eye color, I am equally thrilled Lilit looks like she'll have soulful, dark amber brown eyes like her Aba.

I can't get over her beauty and also (already! sheesh!) fret I am placing too much attention on it. So I joke with her, "But it's not enough to be pretty, honey!"

My boss likes to say that we'd make our kids neurotic if we stayed at home with them instead of coming to work. She has a bias about this, for sure, but sometimes I think it's true for me. As anxious as I feel about the inevitable day when I leave my daughter in the same very capable, loving hands that held Avi when he was a little baby and I returned to work, I also know I couldn't stay home full time.

I feel relief to write it down, even as I also feel guilt, like there is something wrong with me because I don't want to be at home full-time. It's just that I need structure in a particular way. It's way more challenging for me to come up with engaging activities for my toddler all day than to be at work for part of the day and then put my all into our shortened time together . . . A "good day" for me is like the one when we made a birdhouse out of an old juice carton. But other times I feel too uptight to drag out all the art supplies (even though I always love when we do). Avi is so smart, so expressive and eager to learn that I know he's ready for preschool in the fall. And my baby girl, my Lilit, oh, I wish I could just keep her in the ergo all day while I run around at work. Except that I don't, because I want nothing at all from that hospital to seep into our family life.

And I like what I do! My girlfriend was over last night and our conversation drifted naturally to the work we do, and social work in general. It's a conversation I love sharing with my colleagues, many of whom have become dear friends. I feel so blessed to have both, to have a career I love and a family that means more to me than anything.

This summer is ripping by and I feel the busy fall creeping in around the corners . . .I wish I could have more time at home with my kids. But I think it will also be okay when we aren't together all day every day.

I remember really struggling when I went back to work after Avi was born. I didn't want to go. But little by little, I recovered this part of myself that likes to be out in the world, that likes my job, that needs to contribute to others in a particular way. Now there's no doubting what I know to be true--that I am a working mother. It's just who I am. I am also a devoted practitioner of yoga, a dancer, a wife, a daughter, a sister and friend to many. Not to mention we have chosen to live in an expensive place that necessitates two incomes. Good thing I like to work.

The love I feel for my children is boundless. I was talking to the same friend about this last night (she is also a mother of two), remembering back to when I was pregnant with Lilit, when I felt nervous about my capacity to love two children the way I loved Avi so deeply, so completely for two years. It's amazing how the internal expansion occurs naturally without thought or plan. Here I am, loving these two so deeply, so completely, so spaciously.

My firstborn will always have such a special place within, and my daughter has nestled her way into her own special place that evolves more each day. The love they have for each other already feels sacred. Ever attentive, I responded to something Avi said only to have him tell me he wasn't talking to me. He was talking to *his baby*.

Watching Leeor with our children makes me love him even more, too, even when I thought that wasn't possible. There is simply nothing better than creating this family together and working hard every day to make it better.

I treasure every day at home right now. Yesterday, while I sweated through a physically intense asana practice with my favorite teacher, my dear friend one yoga mat over, I had a very simple realization. 8 weeks after I gave birth to my daughter, it hits me that my job now is to mother my children as well as I can. I am so honored to settle into this. Change is around the corner--and I am inclined to plan and pile on training programs and other pursuits, but I keep coming back to the truth of this moment. I am a new mother of two, my belly still soft and poochy, my mind sweetly mushy as well. Today Avi patted my navel and said, "I like your tummy. You're a good Mommy." Quite possibly the best compliment I've ever received.