Shabbat Shalom

It's Friday night and Leeor wants to have a "proper Shabbat dinner," except our chicken expired on the 14th so he went back to the store for provisions. He's also requested we set the table--it's been far too long since we've used place mats or even sat at the table together. This was after a rough going-to-bed experience with Avi, who napped for all of 40 minutes today. I am so tired. It was an exhausting week. I feel too sensitive for my job--like when I wanted to take this woman and her children home with me because they are going through so much and on top of everything else they can't pay rent. This is the same woman to whom I gave an umbrella a month or two ago . . . there's something about this family! I'm nearly 32 weeks pregnant. It's beautiful outside and my allergies invaded my head today while my sciatica landed at that familiar place on my right hip. I felt so injured about that last bit that I was extra grumpy during Avi's bedtime tonight. And as Leeor rightly pointed out, when Avi gets terribly upset, so do I. It totally sucks.


Last night, Leeor was working late and I was cajoling Avi into the bathtub on my own. It was not a high moment in my brief parenting history. Again, my fatigue got the better of me; it was late and I was over the negotiating (fruitless with a two year old anyway). I had to laugh at myself when I realized I was using words like "cooperate" with Avi, as in, "you are simply not cooperating with me and I don't like it;" and other way too long sentences followed. Sheesh. Then Avi tried to say "cooperate" so earnestly that I had to laugh some more.


So here I am wanting to process, wanting to find some magic way to keep myself more separate from Avi's tantrums. They are age-appropriate, there's a lot going on; he's in this push-pull between toddlerhood and infancy, and the impending birth of baby sister doesn't help. I really get it. I just can't seem to stop over-identifying with it (or, apparently, with some of the families with whom I work). It makes me want to call up my shrink and go back to "work," on this stuff, because I also get really freaked out about how I'll feel when I have a baby in my arms instead of quietly tucked away in my belly. I dreamt the other night that I was literally being flooded by ocean waves. I know that children get flooded with overwhelming emotion; this is why they have tantrums. But as an adult, I am supposed to be able to manage this with my child, not, you know, get swept up (and away!) with it! Yet there I was tonight, sitting in his room while he sobbed and protested going to bed, feeling tense and utterly useless.


Now the chicken is frying on the stove under Leeor's skillful hand. He forgave me for eating a piece of challah while he was at the store (oops; just call me Suzy Cream Cheese) and even brought me ice cream and Benadryl (because pregnant ladies can take it for allergies). Avi sleeps soundly. I get to go to yoga tomorrow, which always helps with both allergies and sciatica, not to mention tension. I got a copy of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth in the mail today from a lovely woman I've never met. It's time to change gears a little bit, to put some energy into getting ready for this little girl's birth. Re-frame this moment, as we say in my line of work. To know that "crises," may they be as small as an allergy attack, a toddler tantrum, or as life-altering as the birth of a child, are opportunities for growth and change. And that it wouldn't be a Friday night without a movie with my wonderful husband. Tonight it's Kiss of the Spider Woman. Shabbat Shalom.