Equinox

On Sunday night, I drove up to San Rafael and picked up a friend who is one week behind me in pregnancy. Off we went up the twilit road to the green lushness and beautiful open space that houses Spirit Rock Meditation Center. I found myself breathing a little more deeply as I left the city behind me. It was quiet and serene.

We were there for a Kirtan and Meditation honoring and celebrating this passage into Spring and it was just as good as I'd hoped it would be. Jai Uttal was singing and in between songs we were lead in silent meditation. To be honest, that was the hardest part for me. My own sitting practice has lately been limited to a few minutes before and after my physical, or asana, practice of yoga. There was a time when I sat in meditation for longer periods . . .I lived alone and had no one to care for beyond myself. Even then it felt challenging. My back would ache and I would fidget. Sunday night, my foot kept falling asleep and my hips throbbed. But it also felt good and I embraced my place in that moment. I was again drawn to my connection with this little baby inside me--she was moving around like gangbusters while Jai chanted to Sita and Ram and we all called out in response. It felt like a gift to be present with her and I imagined her birth. I felt strong and peaceful. I felt grateful for my health as well as for hers. I felt honored to be a mama of Avi and a mama to be of his baby sister.

Earlier that afternoon, before I left for Marin, Avi told me that he dreamt of her. He said we were all at a party together and "baby sister was there!" I got very excited at this and wanted to ask him a million questions. I felt as if he'd had some glimpse of her. "What was she like?" I inquired, only to be met with a quizzical look. Too vague. Hmm. "Was she cute?" I couldn't think of anything better to ask. He thought for a minute before replying enthusiastically, "Yeah!"

When people ask him whether he's excited for baby sister's arrival, he answers in the affirmative and quickly qualifies, "She's going to bring me a present. A big one!" Which is true in the sense that we have told him she will, in fact, bring him a gift. I feel like she has already brought me the gift of strength as well as the sensation of being grounded.

While part of me wishes I'd taken my licensing exam before Avi was born, perhaps I simply wasn't ready to do it until now. There's definitely something about the presence of this little girl in my belly that makes me feel like a bit of a badass--which is not a familiar feeling to me!

With Avi's birth and my transition into motherhood and its all-encompassing nature, there was then another shift back to myself after he turned one; I felt like I rediscovered my truest self, layer by layer. The process with this pregnancy takes me even deeper, so that I feel a continued journey on my path, inside and out. For example, I feel committed to my work in a way that I never did before. Today, as I sat in an extremely emotional family meeting, I was acutely aware of how far I've come as I literally held the translator phone on my lap while the patient's mother held one receiver and the doctor held the other. Information about a critical new diagnosis was given and then translated into the mother's native tongue. I sat quietly, occasionally reaching out to touch the mother's shoulder or make eye contact with the doctor, the bridge between them and also a channel for communication and support. I felt drained afterward but also good about how it ultimately transpired (the doctor was amazing, by the way, and I told her so). On my way home, I talked with Leeor on the phone and expressed my anxiety about going home to parent Avi because I felt used up and spent. Torn and frayed, as my beloved Rolling Stones sing. Imagine my delight and relief when I discovered that parenting Avi was by far the easiest part of my day, even with Leeor out late. I made choices to support this, like ordering a pizza for the two of us and starting his bath early (M reported no nap today save 10 minutes or so en route from the Discovery Museum) so he could go to bed a little earlier than usual. He is loving one of my favorite books, Ira Sleeps Over, and parrots a lot of the content as I read it.


It's raining outside after several days of warm sunshine. I have the doors open because I love the fresh air and the sound of the drops as they hit the metal railings on our patio. I have the house to myself while Avi sleeps and Leeor is out. My baby girl has shifted and settled in my belly. I look forward to my lavender bath and clean pajamas. I look forward to more of what this new season has already shared with me--growth, change, surrender and the continued discovery of gifts found within.