Turning a corner

I have been really struggling with this second pregnancy, but feel I have turned a corner this week and am having a pregnant lady moment of wanting to pour my heart out.  

My pregnancy with Avi was blissful.  I loved every moment of my body changing and expanding, loved gaining weight and pretty much embraced the whole experience.  My birth story was both beautiful and wild, with us landing at the hospital mere minutes before he entered the world.  His presence has been transformative for me, and I know a lot of mothers feel similarly.  My friends with more than one child have been really validating about my experience with pregnancy the second time around, which helps.

I had no sickness with Avi, whereas now I've definitely had my share of green-faced mornings at work, biting my lip against the onslaught of smells and sounds at the hospital.  And while I'm not usually a drama queen (oh, my parents might disagree with me on this), I have been pretty freaked out about H1N1 at work, and if I have the slightest sense that a patient has it, I stay away and call them on the phone.  On another note, the hospital is making us get vaccinated, and if we choose not to, we have to sign a waiver and wear a mask in patient care areas.  Totally big brother, not to mention fodder for a pregnant woman's hormonally addled mind.  But my OB wants me to get vaccinated, and my pediatrician wants me to have Avi vaccinated.  Anyway.

Back to turning a corner.  So I had been feeling incredibly exhausted, emotionally labile, a little depressed, withdrawn, insecure.  Then I went to yoga, and not to say that it's some kind of cure-all, but really it helps me a lot.  There's something about the combination of quiet, inner reflection, body movement, breathing, chanting, the community of other yogis and all of it lead by a truly gifted instructor that really speaks to me.  I felt so much better afterward, and mostly that feeling has remained.  

For me, part of the freak out about pregnancy is the desperate need I get to Know How it Will all Turn out.  And no one can ever know that on this crazy life journey.  But at least I learned that dear M is with us for the long haul, and our nanny-share family is conveniently pregnant with a due date 3 days earlier than ours.  That feels good and reassuring.  

It helps that Avi is such a wonderful kid.  Sometimes he'll say or do something that melts us and Leeor and I will look at each other, shake our heads and wonder aloud how we got so lucky.  Lately, Avi has been taking our faces with his little hands and looking at us with such love and affection before leaning in for a kiss.  Bliss.  No matter how tired I feel every morning, to get up and be with him feels like such a gift, because I know too well how fast this time is going to go by, and suddenly I will have two children to love with all my heart.  For the moment, I am grateful to be feeling better, to be healthy, and to have the support of my family and my community.  Here's to turning a corner and hoping this good feeling lasts.