Love, Devotion and Discovery

I am trying to squeeze in a quick post while Leeor is shaving and Avi is kept busy by his grandparents, Saba and Safta. We are at their house in Monterey this weekend while Leeor attends a Capital Defense seminar . . . and tomorrow I am going to head down to Los Angeles, by myself (!) to visit some friends and spend the night. My first night away from Avi. I am excited and also anxious. Excited to see some dear, dear girlfriends; Allison, my closest buddy from social work school (and her adorable daughter, sweet husband and pregnant belly), and Hilary, my partner in crime from dancing days in college and all throughout my years living in Pasadena (and all the girls from her stellar dance company, Lineage Dance; check out their website lineagedance.org). I'm not sure I could name what feel anxious about; much of it is probably irrational but that's feelings for you.

The week felt really long. I was wiped out from Avi's birthday. On Monday I realized my cold had turned into an infection and started taking antibiotics for the first time in years. And was grateful for my healthcare. The backdrop of our desolate economic and healthcare situation is never far from my mind. Then we had his pediatrician visit on Tuesday, and he not only received some vaccinations, they wanted to draw some blood to check the level of lead in his system, which seemed completely asinine to me but we dutifully, regretfully, did it. All I can say is that it was like torture. I wouldn't wish sickness upon anyone, because often that means hospitalization, IV tubes, and lots of blood testing. It was awful. Plus, I started a bereavment group with a colleague a few weeks ago and we are facilitating it on Tuesday nights. The experience has been satisfying and stimulating in many ways, but I had difficulty in my role after Avi's doctor visit. By Wednesday I was exhausted.

Wednesday night I was on-call and Avi was so sweet while I worked and he ate dinner. I felt like a bad, neglectful mom while I talked to a nurse about housing for some family. But Avi smiled away the whole time I was on the phone. Then Leeor and I stayed up too late watching Top Chef. Avi had a rough night of sleep so the exhaustion continued. I felt strung out. I decided I needed to go to yoga. On Thursday, Leeor obligingly put Avi to bed while I headed out to my favorite studio with a friend from work, another mama, and it was just what I needed.

During the yoga class I realized that I was completely focused on myself, my breathing and my body the entire time. What a revelation. What a gift. The teacher, who is a dancer and playfully strings together an incredibly satisfying asana practice, played love songs and talked about Bhakti Yoga, the yoga of devotion. While Leeor and I do not get too worked up about Valentine's Day, it was nice to focus on love and devotion. This past year has been about little else for me. My love and devotion to Avi have filled me in a way I can't quite describe. Sharing this with Leeor profoundly deepens our connection.

As Avi takes his first tentative steps, physically and emotionally, away from me to explore and discover the world, he always glances back, even if only for a moment, makes sure we are there, and then he keeps going. It's a beautiful process. He is fascinated by everything around him and misses nothing. What an honor to be here as his base, one of the people to whom he turns to feel supported and encouraged. Most of these photos are from our second visit to the Discovery Museum in Sausalito last week. It's getting harder to take his picture because he is on the move all the time How he loves water! He gets so much satisfaction out of the world, and I love watching him discover it. Happy Valentine's Day; wishing everyone all the love we are feeling in such abundance these days.