All over the place

Avi makes me melt. Yesterday, he fell asleep in the car, so I kept driving around the city while he napped (not very environmental, I know) and enjoyed every stolen glance in the backseat at his sweet, sleeping face . . . those lips! that hair! He started this funny babble that we dubbed "Dr. Evil from Austin Powers" and at one point during the car nap he woke up, mumbled said babble and then instantly fell back asleep. I nearly died.

The big news around here is that Avi slept all the way through the night Friday. During the day, I'd had a chat with him (again in the car) about how we were "all done" with nursing at night, and that we needed to sleep all the way until morning without waking up. Now, I don't sign with him that much, but beloved M does, as does our share care family. He started making the sign for "no more," which is when you brush both hands together. I was astonished. And then at 4 AM, when he awoke for an instant and I jumped out of bed only to pause before going in--and there weren't any more sounds from him. Just the gentle lap of waves from his CD that plays on a loop all night. I got back into bed and thought about how much these night nursing episodes are a lot about me. It was awhile before I could sleep.

Last weekend, I had my first night away. Highway 101 was my beautiful witness to all kinds of emotions. The gentle green hills and rolling ocean offered containment to my feelings of elation, guilt, sadness, fear, excitement and joy. My soundtrack ranged from Indigo Girls to Tori to show tunes to the Rolling Stones. It was all about me and it was good. My friends embraced me and I loved spending time with them. And Avi's embrace upon my return showed me that he could, in fact, withstand a bigger separation from me than I'd realized. I was so grateful to Saba and Safta for helping Leeor take care of our boy and lavishing so much love upon him. He enjoyed every moment.

This post is all over the place, but I feel like there is so much to say. Last week I was feeling exhausted and spent. At the end of this week I felt energized and excited. Going away helped. Incorporating yoga into the bereavement group made me realize the possibility of integration between "traditional" social work and more psychospiritual stuff that I find so fascinating. A family at the hospital expressed a lot of gratitude to me and I can't say it didn't feel good. We had a bunch of my mama friends from work over on our collective day off, Friday, and there were 9 children crowded into our SF apartment. It was awesome. All Avi wanted to do was chase after the older boys in his bare feet.

Finally, Leeor and I had a lovely, lovely date last night. We needed it. We went to the movies and out to a nice dinner. The food was amazing. I love to remember how much I enjoy my partner. We had our camera with us and scrolled through photos of Avi, who today, for whatever reason, has decided he doesn't want to get dressed. He's just waking from a nap and I can't wait to go hug his soft skin.