Monday

I feel like a broken record about Mondays, but today was especially difficult. I hesitate to write about it write now, after Avi is sleeping peacefully in his adorable froggy pjs, but I want to honestly document this time in our lives. I will say that I feel so much better after being at home with him. I realized, as we bathed and I got him ready for bed, nursed him and cuddled him to sleep, that this part of our daily lives, this nighttime routine, hasn't changed though I am working so much. Adding one more day to my work week, plus being on-call one night, has made a bigger impact than I imagined. Maybe I will get used to it, but I'm not so sure.

After 3 days in a row of beautiful, luxurious sleep (it's been quite some time since I had 6 hours in a row, and Avi slept in until 7 am a couple days--bliss!), last night was awful. As a parent, one never really knows what causes night waking. Leeor and I came up with a potential list of causes for last night's waking spells, and still, they are just guesses. So I went to work feeling run-down and didn't have time to eat much, which didn't help. I powered through the morning nevertheless. I felt really out of it, kind of dizzy, nauseous and yet determined to stay focused. Like when I was unofficially translating a conversation between a doctor on my team and a patient's mother. The bedside nurse started chiming in with requests of items for me to relay to the mother, and I just had to laugh. The mother, whom I know pretty well at this point, also laughed. I am a terrible translator. She is patient with me and knows me and knows what's going on with her child. So it was okay. I also felt foggy when a father of a patient was trying to navigate Paid Family Leave issues with me. I honestly hadn't a clue how to help. But again, I got through it. Then I received some terrible news about a co-worker and couldn't move on.

I ate lunch and felt a little better. Went to an LCSW exam prep group (which ended up consisting of only two of us and I blabbed a blue streak to a sweet co worker who probably could have used the time to actually, you know, prep for the exam), and all in all, was incredibly efficient and productive despite feeling pretty lousy. So I left, guiltily, at 3pm. I was home by 4 and so excited to see my bear. Then we had kind of an awkward afternoon until Leeor got home.

Maybe it's just me. I am feeling particularly vulnerable and raw right now, insecure and uncertain. This is funny. We have a copy of Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care book that Leeor picked up somewhere 'cause he thought it was interesting. So I opened to the section about working mothers. First let me say that he places this bit of wisdom in a section called "Special Problems." He says, "Some mothers have to work to make a living. Usually their children turn out all right . . .but others grow up neglected and maladjusted." Awesome.

It was all I needed. Avi was kind of fussy and all over the place while M was still here. I felt, for the first time, as if he preferred to be in her arms. I know, it's ridiculous, but as I mentioned, I am feeling especially sensitive and vulnerable. But then she left, Avi and I went downstairs to his room and nursed and played and then Leeor came home. I was happy to see him, but Avi was absolutely ecstatic. I have no idea what it's like in Avi's mind. What it's like for him to have a few days with both parents doting on him all day and night and then to have us both leave on Monday morning . . . I assume it's okay for him. Everyone says it's harder for the parents.

He's already woken up once since he went to bed. Honestly, I didn't mind. Leeor is out at a concert and I made a delicious lasagna, as well as some fresh peaches for Avi to eat tomorrow (I was inspired by my canning fruit friend Gillie in Missoula!). I am catching up on Mad Men. When I went into Avi's room, I felt so incredibly grateful for this healthy, thriving little boy. He was so sweet and warm and soft. He nursed and slept and I eased him back into his crib. Then I stood there and gazed at him. I could have stood there all night. I know I should go to bed. But there's a cherry peach cobbler from Canyon Market in the kitchen and who needs sleep anyway? Writing all this down makes me feel better. Maybe I can be easier on myself tomorrow. Maybe it will be a better day. I'm just glad it will be Tuesday.