Fall has arrived

Leeor took these incredible photos with his fancy film camera. I love the way he captures our kids, and also how he loves to use real film and is old-fashioned about it. He sighs when he looks at the results and says wistful things like, "You just can't get the same results with digital." We celebrate 5 years of marriage this Friday and I'm feeling a surge of love for this man with whom I'm raising these children, with whom I'm growing older, and not always gracefully.
Fall is a natural season for going inward--maybe that's why it has always been my favorite.

I also love the high holidays and was especially excited for Jewish new year, Rosh Hashana. It occurred to me that I have truly integrated the holiday when I felt disappointed after it ended. All that build up and then it's over, not unlike how I always felt about Christmas. But hooray for my adopted religion, because we still have Yom Kippur and Sukkot to carry us through the season, and Avi's school both educates me and helps me get excited for each one.

We were married on Sukkot and had such a sweet huppa/sukkah. Avi asked me if we were planning on having "another wedding" to celebrate our anniversary. I told him we could plan a party for our 10 year anniversary and he decided he would design the kids' activity for that party, "because even though I will be bigger then, I will still be a kid," and then he added anxiously, "right?" I assured him 8 years old is still a kid and we both pondered Avi at age 8 for a collective moment. Whoa.

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Tonight, as I snuggled with Avi per our bedtime ritual, he extolled the virtues of his lovey, "You know why lovey is my favorite, Mommy? Because I can do this with him!" and he demonstrated how he rubs his fingers along the satin edge of Lovey's well-worn blanket, "I know," I murmured, eager for him to fall asleep, close to dozing off myself, "I love that you love it so much."

"And you know why I love you so much, Mommy?" Suddenly I was wide awake, all ears, "Why?" though the answer seemed not to matter, "Because you're my favorite person."

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A good friend had her first baby last night, and as all births do, it made me ponder the births of my children. I had a good, lingering reflection about my first night with Lilit, just the two of us; Leeor had to go home and spend the night with Avi. It felt as if my daughter and I could exist on nothing but our sweet love, our combined breath.

After Avi's birth, I sat awake all night, unable to blink, much less sleep, as I tried to take in what we'd just been through. I became a mother and my world stood still for 12 hours afterward.

It feels intuitive that Jewish New Year happens in fall. I am ignorant here, at best, but I like the connection of the "birthday of the world" with the season of introspection.

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Avi picked out two pumpkins yesterday, one for Lilit and one for him. They sit sweetly on our porch with our string of pumpkin lights. Leeor mentioned casually, "That's not all you're planning on doing, right?" and I thought it was adorable that he knows I am the holiday-decorator in this home, and that now we have a proper front porch to dress up. I love it. And oh yeah, there will be a lot more decorating happening out there soon . . .

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These kids are so amazing to me. I am home with them on Mondays and it's such a gift. There are moments I will lie down on the floor and they both come dashing over to roll around--physical contact is so important for all of us. We do variations on yoga poses and smoosh ourselves silly.

I am also loving the moments of the two of them playing together. They spend increasing amounts of time in Avi's room together. Lilit likes to occupy Avi's "special chair" with books while Avi spins his make-believe with his "guys."

Sometimes I find Lilit spreading chalk on the easel, the chair, the floor. She laughs uproariously when I catch her--of course Avi has to get in on the mischief, too, and soon we three have dissolved into another pile of giggles, this time with chalk flying.

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This is such a good fall so far. It feels like it just really got started for us as last week we were still scorched and sweaty, which we loved (except Leeor, who is more and more like his own Aba) but now this smoky air and first rainy night have rolled in and made everything cozy and sweet.

A new year, a sweet year. I catch myself in moments of doom and gloom and wonder when I will ever allow myself to just practice gratitude for all that's good? Being in the moment with these fabulous kids sure helps. Every single moment is a gift.