Cinco de Mayo

It's laaaaaate and here I sit, listening to the dishwasher while my family sleeps. I smile to myself as I briefly consider whether this qualifies as a manic episode; I know my work is getting the better of me when I start diagnosing myself. I need to spend more time with creative pursuits, it seems.

***

The weather has been awesome and I am so psyched for summer in Berkeley! I can't help but wonder if my postpartum time with the kids had been here, instead of in drizzly, cold San Francisco, we wouldn't all be slightly different creatures but it was thus. And now Avi is a super sensitive toddler, amazing me with his observations and sensory keenness. Today he pointed out a homeless man as we entered the Bay Bridge after our respective days at work and school. "Why is that man sleeping outside, Mommy?" I hadn't even noticed him, too preoccupied with my own impatience to get home to my daughter, to send our new nanny home so I wouldn't have to pay overtime.

I caught a bare foot still under a turned back grey blanket. It looked creepy, as if he could be a corpse. I wondered how best to answer my child's question as I maneuvered onto the bridge, "He doesn't have a house," I replied, to which Avi questioned, "Why not, Mommy? Why doesn't he have a house?" and I launched into this ridiculous rambling about blessings and pitfalls and tzdedakah, which he practices at school. He seemed to get what I was saying. Mostly, I just want my kids to learn about gratitude. Perhaps I oversold it but this kid is smart.

***

Leeor and I really wanted to celebrate tonight. We are fairly certain that Avi was conceived on Cinco de Mayo four years ago, when we lived in a tiny apartment on the corner of Eddy and Divisadero. I remember I had driven back from Sacramento that day. I went to see my mom and also take a pre-licensure course on drug and alcohol addiction. I remember being annoyed at the traffic on the ride back to the city--oh, how I would learn the simple delights of being quietly alone in the car!

We invited our neighbors over and they happily joined us for California enchiladas (I make this distinction because there was nothing autentico about the combination of flour tortillas, Tillamook cheese, Amy's canned refried beans and Trader Joe's enchilada sauce, but still, they were pretty freaking good with a side of asparagus), in fact, LJ prepared the whole meal in her efficient, Midwest way while I bustled and made margaritas in between diaper changes.

***

The dishwasher has quieted, my cue for going to bed. I work tomorrow and Saturday; it will be a full weekend with lots of celebration. I was so stressed out about the commute today. Only time will tell whether the commute dictates more change for me. For now, I enjoy the quiet, the sound of my breath.

Avi remarked this week, "I was in your tummy AND baby was in your tummy--that's a little crazy!" He has taken to mimic-ing some of my diction. Things are crazy and silly and totally awesome. My nanny reminded me today that Cinco de Mayo is about a pueblo battle. So here's to that on this week when Osama bin Laden was killed, when we continue to search for meaning.