Change is good

Avi told me the other day that he misses sleeping in his crib. I am always surprised by these obvious longings he has for infancy; surprised by him but also by me because I pride myself on knowing stages of child development. Then he does these textbook things and I feel impatient, hurry up and transition, already! He seems to be holding a big fat mirror to my own process.
Little sister is such a cool customer. Leeor predicts a goth streak when she reaches adolescence and also weaved a fabulous fantasy of the two of them in a White Stripes-esque band. She will be the reclusive drummer while Avi is the cool front man. We were cracking up at this image while we watched The Black Keys perform on Saturday Night Live. We stayed up late watching clips on Hulu because we finally had our first night of hanging out together, just the two of us while both kids sleep (an almost nightly occurrence we completely took for granted in our old San Francisco lives!) in the 3 weeks of Our New Lives in Berkeley. One of us has been helping Avi go to bed by lying down next to him until he drifts off and we eventually stumble out toward the other end of the house, disoriented and grumpy, before we turn in super early. We both totally need the extra sleep but have missed our stay dates.
I've had an almost 3-week ritual of bathing with both kids every night; but tonight and last night, Avi suggested just the kids bathe while I hold Lilit from a perch on the bathroom floor. Oh, it's hard to respect their boundaries! I need to take my own bath after they go to bed, but their bathroom is the one with the tub and my routine has been not to go to that part of the house after dark . . .it's funny how quickly I come up with new routines! And Lilit is growing out of her baby bunny towel! I remember how it dwarfed her just days after her birth . . .we want to have a giant party here for her first birthday. I think we can be mostly unpacked by then. . .
Sweet Lilit and Avi with a chocolate-covered nose. He really wanted to "make a cake for Aba, just for fun." Aba's birthday is coming and Avi also wants to make "chocolate cupcakes with M & M's," which is a wish based on a photo he saw of Leeor celebrating a toddler-era birthday with that exact dessert.

Avi is so specific in his instructions, "I will wear the orange apron, Mommy, and you will wear the pink one," while Lilit, who will be 10 months old on Saturday (!!), still goes with the flow.
Their love for each other is getting rock-solid. Avi calls her bedroom, "The flower room," based on these gorgeous paintings my auntie made, while his room is "The Toy Story room," for obvious reasons. He is going to go through so many pop-culture phases! It feels so indulgent and so good for them to have their own rooms. Lilit's room feels like a zen palace to me somehow, while Avi's room is where the fun and action happens. Their walls were beautifully painted long before we signed escrow papers and I remain grateful for this perfect little house we nabbed . . .
Working through my neuroses about accepting all this good stuff and finally embracing the extra space that comes in the form of a living room still empty of furniture. Jen and Itay gave us a salt lamp that currently lives on the floor in front of the fire place (Avi asks, "But why do we have a fire place, Mommy?" in his thoughtful way, "and why did we move from San Francisco?"). I had a little ritual in that room the other morning while Avi was at school and Lilit napped, burned sage, rolled out my well-worn purple yoga mat for some solid sun-salutations before finally unfurling this rug that has been cleaned and stashed away for the past two years as we had no place for it (Avi again, "I've never seen this rug! But why do we have this rug?" his out-loud observations endless and good for comic relief when I take it all too seriously).
He likes to run the perimeter of the rug while Lilit giggles and lovingly watches his every move. Avi instructed me, "Put some music on, Mommy! I want to dance around the rug!" So I guess they instinctively felt my embodiment ritual and went along with it.

A powerful rain storm seems to have abated for the moment--it's been raining so much that I am reminded of 1996, when I was still in college down the peninsula and it rained long into April, streets flooding and cars floating. Nothing compared to the tsunami in Japan, but making an impact nevertheless.

Today I went to a conference at work; Leeor was home with Avi for much of the day. We tagged team yesterday, too, because Avi's teacher called to say he had a fever. I was with a patient in my office when she called and I felt exposed, having the patient listen to me deal with my own "little" crisis while there were much bigger tragedies on the table.

There's much to learn, much about which I'm excited. But my mantra for 2011 remains, "slow it down; maintain boundaries." Totally boring, I know. However, starting a new job and buying a new house, both in January of this year, have sparked plenty of excitement. Now we will settle, however long it takes. Avi reminds me that the process can be slower than I expect or want it to be. Lilit reminds me that we are each on our own timetable of growth and development. Leeor reminds me to stay replenished; we have been working together pretty nicely and our partnership feels solid, good.

There's new research informing our practices all the time, a 24 hour news cycle that keeps us posted on world events so that we are informed of daily changes, and recently some have been revolutionary.

But I also value the past, the reflection that shadows change. Growth can be slow, cyclical and also linear. There are big leaps and then big gaps, time to catch our breath. Here's to the latter, and to trying not to judge it harshly.