Still Okay

"Mommy, did you clean the house?" Avi asked me after we'd tumbled in today after work, preschool, the respective pick-ups of my children.

"Uh, no," I replied, taking in the clothes, the clutter, the piles on the kitchen counter.

"Maybe you should clean it right now," he suggested, ever helpful.

Instead, we made butternut squash quesadillas, gave Lilit a bath and weathered a few tantrums from a tired toddler. I am on-call Thursday nights, and tonight I was paged 4 times before settling both kids in bed. There were a lot of deep breaths on my part, and thank god for my mellow little baby, who basically got dumped into her co-sleeper while I frantically shushed Avi, who was hovering. I felt so impatient, mean and worn out.

But the quesadillas were delicious (even though Avi instructed me that they were all for him and proceeded to eat one bite). I am trying so hard to be patient, loving and kind, especially when I feel like I'm gonna lose it.

I sat with Avi and ate popcorn with him, just as he'd asked.

"It's hard when Mommy has to work at home, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

We ate our popcorn in silence until I got my parenting on and decided it was time for bed, that we could skip his bath and it would be okay. He put up the obligatory fuss. Oh, it's hard when Leeor works late two nights in a row! And when I feel too exhausted to be good at anything.

At the end of the day, I have a full belly and a mostly quiet mind.

***

I turn 35 on Saturday and we have a lot of weekend plans to celebrate. I'm excited.

***

All these pictures are from last weekend. It was full.

We headed up to Apple Hill, which is just north of Placerville. Both kids were kinda sick but I figured, oh, why not, and then fretted that I was pushing us too hard . . .I never know about these things.

It was worth the long trip and the fatigue that came with it; we found this amazing, organic farm full of fruit and pumpkins ripe for picking. Avi was so proud of his selections!

He is such a big boy. There were pony rides at one of the farms and Avi surprised me as his turn came by deciding he'd go it alone and not have me walk the ring beside him. I love his independence but it makes me catch my breath a little--my firstborn is changing and it's so good for all of us but it's also a little hard for me.

We stopped by my mom's house in Sacramento for a brief pit stop on our way back to the city. Avi has been so hilarious with Lilit these days. He knows, he insists, what she wants at any given moment. Like a diaper on her head. She relishes his attention and puts up with an awful lot of mauling. They are damn cute together.

Sunday we took the kids downtown to the Ferry Building. There was music playing as we approached and Avi asked, "Mommy, could you stop the stroller? I wanna dance for a second." Oh, I love him so. He also wants to take ballet class. I swear I didn't put the idea in his head. It's preschool. Every afternoon I arrive to find him swathed in a princess dress, having a dance party. He usually tells me he's not ready and that he needs one more song before he disrobes and we head out. It's pretty awesome.

***

I am all over the place this Thursday night, but as I approach another birthday (though Avi claims it's his birthday, as well), I feel pretty good. Kinda wrecked, but pretty good.

PS. Lilit, at her 4 month well-baby visit, was 15 pounds, 25 1/2 inches . . . I took the kids to the doctor Monday because they were still sick and I have these brief, freaky-mom-there's-a-whooping-cough-epidemic-in-San Francisco-moments and she weighed almost 16 pounds. In a couple of weeks, she'll be 5 months. Yesterday, she said "ba-ba." Amazing.

PPS. Avi wears only one pair of shorts. Every day. He seems to be open to shirt options, but the shorts are the only pants he'll wear. Thank goodness it's been in the 80s for awhile. I just wonder how long this phase will last?