Two babies

Avi at the Academy of Sciences today . . .  eating the lunch I packed for him this morning.  Leeor took the photo and I just love it.

Now I am sitting on an ice pack, reminded of the only other time I sat on one . . . right after I gave birth to Avi.  Tonight I sit on one after taking a little spill down our stairs.  Damn slippery wooden floors, my socked feet and lack of grace in pregnancy.  The funny thing is, I took a similar fall while pregnant with Avi.  This time he was looking on from a few steps above, and I had a frozen moment to myself, my body wracked with pain, wanting to shout some expletive and start crying, but one look at my boy's worried face made me take a deep breath.  "You banged yourself, Mommy?" He asked solicitously.  "I did, honey; I fell down, but I'm okay."  We were on our way downstairs to get him into the tub.  Leeor is out with a friend so I was on my own for bed time duty.  I would be lying if I said it was easy to plunge ahead with it.  All I cared about was making sure Avi wasn't too worried or upset.  Maybe that is neurotic, but it's the truth.  So we joked and splashed and laughed and I asked him if it was scary when Mommy fell down.  He said it was.  I didn't push it but reminded him that I was okay and hoped I was.  I felt like vomiting.  Also like I'd wet my pants.  

I got Avi into bed, mostly uneventfully save a few moments of him sadly asking for his beloved ba-ba.  I haven't even blogged about that topic; we said bye-bye to ba-ba last week and it's been emotional and hard.  But not too hard.  And definitely the right decision.  So tonight he asked for songs from Mary Poppins and I obliged before closing his door and limping up the stairs.  Then I sat on my ice pack and cried my head off, finally allowing myself to feel and express all the shock and pain I felt when I fell.  

And I realized how much I love this baby that I don't know, even though I haven't felt all that connected to her in the rush of life-with-toddler-work-husband-friends and everything.  I didn't want to worry Leeor (he will be annoyed with me that I didn't call him) so I called the triage after-hours number.  When I was told to wait for a call back I freaked out.  What if something was wrong? Four minutes crept by while I shed more tears and waited.  A nurse called me and I told her what happened.  It was oddly comforting to answer her questions; they were so by-the-book and as she asked, I realized we were probably okay.  After she gave me some instructions and we hung up, I finally relaxed.  And this little girl in my belly started moving around like crazy, which was very reassuring.  I've never experienced her moving like that--rippling across my belly, poking and prodding parts of herself out for me to see.  Oh, the relief.  

Earlier tonight I again got very excited to have two children.  To watch Avi with his little sister.  I can't wait.  And then, after I fell, contained all my fear and pain, then let it out, I couldn't even bear the thought of something happening to this little one I don't yet know.  I had a crazy dream about her birth the other night.  It wasn't exactly a birth; I looked down and saw her face looking up at me with huge blue eyes telling me she was ready to come out, so I reached in my translucent belly and pulled her to me, held her close and then asked for someone to cut the umbilical cord.  Weird, right?  I chalked it up to anxiety about childbirth, but maybe there's more to it.  Something about making room to love another little one just as much as I love Avi.  I never knew that could be possible but I know with such conviction that it just is.  That I have enough to give to my two babies and we will all be okay.  A little sore sometimes, but I can live with that.