Touchy feely

I am feeling really sensitive these days.  For example, the movie Cars makes me cry.  Even describing the plot to someone today, I welled up.  And she laughed (because I am pregnant; she is too and it's pretty funny that describing the story of Cars makes me cry), but really, I was sensitive to begin with.  And the hormones just do me in.

At work lately, where I try to keep a healthy distance from families, I have been less separate. Last week I gave a woman my umbrella.  It was raining something fierce and she was about to board Greyhound for a sizable trip--her toddler wrapped in blankets sleeping against her chest.  Neither of them had coats.  I sighed, asked if she had an umbrella, and then ran down two flights of stairs to grab mine.  Sheesh.  And today they were admitted to the hospital and I again went out of my way to do something I wouldn't ordinarily have done.  Lately it's just getting to me more, the poignancy of what these families go through.  I am overly empathic and sympathetic and then, while studying for my (stupid) licensing exam I am like, oh, shit, boundaries.  And it's not like giving someone an umbrella constitutes losing one's license to practice or anything, but I just feel I am on thin ice (my colleagues and I decided that the umbrella thing was perfectly reasonable, given the circumstances.  It's not like I got out my wallet and gave her some cash . . .).

Avi just melts me, too.  He is into singing songs a lot lately.  We have a slew of numbers from Mary Poppins and Muppets movies to choose from, and I was frankly surprised he knew all the words to "Let's go fly a kite." I loved the way he tumbled over the word atmosphere.  And his intonation and pitch are just right.  

When I got home from yoga tonight he asked me to sing Om Shanti after he dove into my lap.Then he did his best to stay up late so he could have dinner with us.  We all sat at the table together, eating delicious balsamic glazed lamb meatloaf atop canellini beans, red peppers and onions and he, spearing a bite of lamb on his fork, declared "We are all sitting together, Mommy, Aba, and Avi," and I had a flash into our future of family meals.  It made me feel so content and happy.  So I cried, but just a little bit.

Now we are all bathed (at least Avi and I are), he is in bed and I'm on my way. Leeor is watching an episode of Saturday Night Live, but he thoughtfully put headphones on because, as I mentioned, I am all sensitive and have no interest in the noise from television at the moment. Or even music.  I worked hard today; I missed my Avi.  He left a phone message for me after they dropped me off at work this morning (late! we all slept until 8:00! it was awesome but made for a rushed morning), via Leeor's  phone.  The two of them sounded so cute.  "I miss you, Mommy," he said in his sweet voice and I just teared right up.  Of course.  

Yoga felt really good but also humbling.  I told my teacher afterward that maybe her class is getting too hard for me and she made this cute face with her lip sticking out.  "Keep coming," she said.  "You came all the way til the end with Avi." It's true.  Tonight I felt like I was flailing and I wistfully sat out of all the hard arm balances that I know I could do were I not pregnant.  Then this woman approached me after class with such a sweet smile and said she was so inspired to practice next to me.  She wondered what it was like to practice with a baby growing inside.  I found myself saying that it was amazing.  Because there is no other time when I feel so present in my body than when I am practicing yoga, and pregnancy and yoga go together like peanut butter and jelly.  Really well. My little girl was moving around like crazy during the class. I had the chills when we were chanting and shed a few more tears, too.   

I keep going back to this, but the milestone of Avi's second birthday feels big.  In a good way.  Talking to Nicole tonight, we reminisced about when our boys were born just days apart.  I can't believe it's been two years and now he will be a big brother to our little baby girl in just a few months.  I am a little more than 6 months pregnant, ready to head into the last trimester of what will likely be my last pregnancy.  I suppose there is much to feel sensitive about.  But I  can honestly say I feel really good right now, too, and the simplicity of this joy . . . well, it makes me want to cry.