Right where we are supposed to be

As Leeor drove me to work this morning, we heard that Miriam Makeba had died. As her music flooded our car I teared up and glanced at Leeor. Did I see a tear welling? He pre-emptively told me to back off. We were thinking about apartheid and then, of course, of President-Elect Obama. What a world.

I had mixed feelings about going into work as Avi was still feeling lousy and he was pretty clingy as we got ready to leave. M was lovely, as usual, and I urged her to call me at work. Around 10:30, I was standing in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit when I got a page from her. I freaked out so intensely that I dialed the wrong number several times before I reached her. I needed to go home. Shit. I had so much work to do. I hastily faxed a Make a Wish application before I left and then felt guilty about it as I waited forever for the bus. An hour later, I was home. And I was so glad.

Leeor came home, too, at my urging. It was really good to attend to Avi together. This has been our first big sickness with him. I'm sure there are many to come, but as Avi is feeling better, I can reflect a little about this experience.

Having a sick baby ups the regular level of exhaustion to like a billion. It's hard enough to balance working and parenting. And it's not like Avi doesn't wake up at night even when he isn't sick. I spoke to our pediatrician (not to mention my analyst) about this, and we are working on it. However, having a sick baby who does not sleep at all unless he is lying across my torso as I sit in the glider is way harder than getting up and nursing for 10 minutes. I am still wiped out. But.

I was thinking again today of earlier times with Avi. When I ride the 44 bus home from work, it goes down O'Shaughnessy, which glides along one side of Glen Canyon Park. From the bus window I gaze out upon the path I used to walk with Avi. I always ache for that time as I stand precariously on my ride home, clutching my breast pump as well as the balance bar while teenagers surround me with their cursing and posturing. I always feel sad and wistful as I remember that sweet time with Avi.

He was really fussy this afternoon so I loaded him into the ergo and headed out the door in hopes that fresh air would help him. Since we moved it is now a longer walk to Glen Canyon. It was chilly out. I entered the park and headed to the playground. Avi loved seeing the other kids. I put him on the baby swing for awhile. I talked to a few other moms but also felt like Avi and I are in this in-between place; he is not a newborn but also not a toddler and therefore in this sort of no-man's-land. I bundled him back into the ergo and headed deeper into the park. And realized that we couldn't spontaneously go back to some previous time. I knew we couldn't walk the path we used to tread, the one I see from the bus window. I felt sad about this but also felt armed with the confidence and knowledge gained by experience.

Tonight Avi ate a little cheese and bread after several days of only nursing. Sigh of relief. We all sat at the table together and ate dinner. It was really nice. Before that, Avi crawled across the living room floor. He is right where he is supposed to be. It's good to remember that.

Lastly, I want to give a shout out to our dear friends, Max and Amaya, who just got engaged! It was a gorgeous fall day in Central Park when Max popped the question. Mazal Tov! We have so much to celebrate right now.