Just be and let go

Our funny attempt at at a family photo on Mother's Day perfectly captures the state of things.  I like to think the Pablo statue represents the bigness of our new baby.  As in, the idea of another baby takes up a lot of mental and emotional space. The kids talk about the baby a lot.  And I'm only 18 weeks along.

It just hit me--one night last week, Leeor and I were wrangling the kids to bed.  From the time we walk in the door to the time the kids' heads hit the pillow, each moment is full and lovely, busy, challenging, and completely awesome.  It occurred to me that there will be one more little one present during the busy night time routine and also that as parents, we will be outnumbered.  We have gotten pretty good at the one-on-one thing.  One of us bathing one kid while the other reads books and jammies up another kid, etc. Rationally, I know that the baby will just fold into the mix, that he or she will be snug on my body in a sling or the ergo carrier, or blissed out in the bouncy seat (or any number of random places sweet, sleepy newborns get placed).  But feelings aren't about being rational.  Sometimes feelings loom like mushroom clouds, dark and puffy.  And then they pass and the sun shines and we all go about our daily business, taking the sunshine for granted.

Today I stopped appreciating the sunshine for a few moments and had some pregnancy angst. At 18 weeks, I need to get fitted for compression stockings because of painful veins.  Today I saw a dermatologist because I have pregnancy eczema. I'm supposed to elevate my legs for 30 minutes per day.  Except that when we walk in the door at 6pm, it's not really the best time to do that because we hustle to get food on the table for family dinner, and when we all sit down together, it's easily the best part of the day.  Each of us goes around and talks about the day.  Avi had quite an impressive recounting tonight.  Leeor and I exchanged those proud parent smiles and smothered our snickers.  Avi is quite a character.  He's intense, sweet and loving all at once.  "Mama, I know the baby is a boy.  I just know it.  For real.  We should name him Jack Jack.  Or Yoshua." My angst subsided for a bit.

And then dinner ends and the bathtub gets filled.  Of course both kids want mama to be in charge of bathing.  There's laundry to go in (partly because Avi has all of one pair of sweatpants he wears each day and they are beautifully covered in dirt and paint each afternoon.  Shopping is on our list, but when?) and dishes to be done and mail to be sorted and kids to be readied for bed.  And then sweet Lilit is so tired and we are all kissing her goodnight.  Avi has a little hang out time with us--during which he and Leeor may make a few moves on the chessboard and I may slide my legs up the wall instead of finishing the dishes.  Tonight I reclined early,  before bath time, and my girl brought me a pillow.  She lovingly took it from my bed and accidentally swiped it by the photos on my nightstand, knocking them over.  "Oops, sorry Mama," she offered sincerely and I couldn't have cared less--she was just so full of love and kindness.

***

Leeor and the kids gave me the sweetest Mother's Day.  My mom joined us on Saturday and she and I slipped away to get our nails done after Avi's soccer practice.  It was so lovely to have time with just her.  She spent the night, which always thrills the kids.  One of their favorite pastimes is the inflating and subsequent deflating of the aerobed the next morning.

Avi bounded into our room super early Sunday morning and then he and Leeor slipped out to make breakfast, which they delivered to me in bed.  Lilit was still sleeping, which is her usual routine.  

The day melted into a donut run, a walk with mama, a backyard picnic and dinner with Leeor's parents.   

And at the end of the day, it's all good. Lilit and I pick fairy tarot cards together, and tonight mine was Letting go.  A good theme for today, tomorrow, and definitely for when little Jack Jack/Yoshua joins our wild party. I hope he likes chess.