Problems of Fortune

Avi has been super-snuggly with me lately; Lilit has been going to bed earlier than him and we get a little time to just be goofy. He has pointed out the moon every night this week and wondered about the times it appears in the sky during the day.
There is an incredible full moon tonight. I happened to have the camera in the car and paused along my drive home from work and tried to photograph what I saw

.
These pictures don't capture the beauty of the orb that floated brilliantly over the bay.
Berkeley is just on the other side . . .
Avi in Leeor's shirt he wore to take the bar exam, the same one I wore to take the LCSW exam, "I am here to pass."
I have started to say my goodbyes to Glen Park. Lilit and I walked the canyon that held so many memories of my first year with Avi, my first year of motherhood. I haven't been there as much with Lilit--her infancy has been so different from Avi's and I find myself drawn to other places with her, inside and out.
Hard to believe she maintained a steady, low fever all day, right? So sweet, happy to snuggle next to her Aba or be held in my arms. We sat on the grass in the canyon before returning home for lunch with Leeor. Martin Luther King day was good to us; Avi actually had school so the three of us had some rare time together.
This girl and her big brown eyes, her tiny, expressive mouth, her sweetness. Don't tell Avi, but she was sitting in his chair for a little while. . .
***

I've had a lovely week so far; my new schedule allows me two whole days with Lilit, who unfortunately spiked a fever Monday night. I suspect she is teething but the fever stayed with her until 4 this morning and was not fun . . . we take her good-natured temperament for granted until she's fussy and realize something is wrong.

Leeor, Lilit and I headed to Berkeley to meet the inspector at the new house, the sounds of MLK's epic speech filling our ears while the sunlight glinted off the water in the bay. It was a gorgeous day and I still felt suspended in the hazy glow of goodness--everyone keeps saying how stressful it is to buy a house but I hadn't arrived there yet. I was welling up at the line in the speech about little black girls and boys in Alabama holding hands with the little white girls and boys--what inspiring, revolutionary words those were.

***

Today I went to work and realized how good I have it. I dropped Avi off at school and chatted with a couple of other moms about The Holy Grail of the work/parent balance. Right now I sort of have a dream part time job; and because I work two Saturdays a month and take a night on-call each week, I make "enough" money. And my job can be really satisfying.

***

Many of our family members are working together to help us buy this house--Saba and Safta are helping us make a down payment, without which, there's no way they would have accepted our offer; my brother is making our mortgage happen in a timely manner mostly unheard of in this shaky economic time; my dad is shepherding our real estate deal and putting any profit he gets back in our pocket, and my mom is making crafty, quilty plans for the kids' rooms . . . the rest of our people shower us with support and excitement. It feels like a good rite of passage.

So why did I start freaking out today?

Money, money, money. We all have baggage, as my beloved characters from Rent croon. It feels scary to me to make this financial leap, but I know we can do it. Leeor toiled at law firm jobs he despised and we saved a lot over the last few years. Saba and Safta have saved a lifetime to help their kids and here we are, capable of buying a house in the Bay Area.

I was talking to a girlfriend today as I puffed up the hill after work, walking briskly to get to my car, to get home to my kids. It's stressful to buy a house, yes, but it's a problem of fortune. I really can't complain, I told her.

Grateful remains my mantra.

The infectious goodness and light of my children also helps dislodge the pit that seems to have settled low in my belly. Tonight, Avi requested a few songs and we danced like crazy.

"Look at me, Mommy!" he cried as he spun, dipped, rolled on the carpet in his diapered beauty. He told me the other day that big boys don't wear diapers. He turns 3 in just a couple of weeks.

We have such wealth in our family, our relationships, our good health, our boundless opportunities to do good work. I sit here typing while the kitchen bubbles over with dirty dishes and scattered items from our day. This is the point in the week when the house gets messier and I take more deep breaths. These are the moments I get to reflect about our lives and write some of it down for our family chronicle . . . I already love looking back at the early days of parenthood with Avi, and he also loves to scroll back through the posts.

Grateful, grateful, grateful . . .