A little griping, a little cheer

We were a little sad to say goodbye to Hanukah this year. Avi and I especially enjoyed the candle-lighting ritual each night. I am amazed by his ability to pick up songs and prayers--he sang along with Ma-oz tzur, a song about the miracle and beauty of the candle light, even though I still have to look at the words. He continues to be my singing and dancing boy and I hope to take him to a show this season . . . I'm angling for a good version of the Nutcracker so we'll see what happens . . .

Leeor and I attended Avi's class Hanukah party this week. It was wild and wonderful, with kids running everywhere, singing songs, making art and acting out a dramatic scene from the Macabee story which was hilarious. Sweet Avi expressed that he wished "his baby" could have come, too. We had both ditched out of work for a couple of hours to attend but left Lilit with Nanny M as we'd imagined Avi would prefer us all to himself--I love the way he surprises us with his generosity of spirit and his willingness to include his sister in the family love.

And now for the griping. With due respect to all my friends with two (plus) kids who said the first 6 months were the most challenging, I heartily disagree. When Lilit was a newborn, she slept all the time! Everywhere! Now our limited space, combined with her burgeoning development, teething and my big fat transition at work have driven me back to caffeine consumption. With gusto. Somehow I lived from late August til now un-caffeinated, but no more.

Still, I'm sure it could be worse. She doesn't wake every hour. She doesn't really even cry. There are moments, sure, but mostly she just wakes up after a good 6-7 hour nap and wants to hang out. Her adorable voice screeches as she tries out various octaves and sounds. She bites during nursing.

During her 6 month check-up, her pediatrician advised me to try to ignore her when she wakes in the middle of the night, to make sure she had solids before bed, that eventually I might get exhausted enough to not pick her up when she wanted to party. That hasn't happened yet, though I'm plenty tired.

Leeor and I have devised elaborate turn-taking schedules that fly out the window when it's pitch dark at 5 AM and our little flower is ready to start her day.

I have never read a sleep book. I didn't "sleep train" Avi. He nursed until we weaned around 17 months but I still gave him milk when he woke almost nightly. We stopped doing that when he turned 2 and he remains (knock on wood) a great sleeper at almost 3 years old. Before Lilit was born, I imagined we'd put the two of them in Avi's room when the time was right. I'm thinking the time is right to get her out of our room, but not so sure how it will go to put the two of them together.

My friend and colleague loaned me a sleep book and true to my nature, I perused it anxiously while I walked to my car after work yesterday. The book contains step--by-step instructions for creating a sleep plan, but assumes the baby has her own room. Pardon my extra rant here, but what about families living in one bedroom or studio apartments, not to mention folks like us who simply can't afford more space here? Sometimes I feel like these books are directed at upper class families and so I instantly get snippy with the authors.

Still, I tried it out last night, at least at first. The book says to put baby to bed awake, to not let her nurse down. We totally nurse down and then I put her in her little bed (out of which she is growing but I keep forgetting to set up the pack n play). Except that when Avi, Lilit and I are home before Leeor, Avi's presence in our darkened room definitely challenges the whole procedure, even as he tries so hard to be quiet and uses this hysterical stage whisper. Last night he kissed her and patted her and lo, she woke up so I figured I'd put her to bed awake and see what happened. We've done it before and she passed out without incident. Last night Leeor got home as I was ushering Avi out of the room and into his tubby.

"I'm trying this new sleep plan! Read this part about how sleep-deprivation impacts your marriage!" I said breathlessly as I thrust the book into his hands. No time for "Hi, honey, how was your day?"

Lilit was crying. Due to my shoddy reading, I couldn't remember whether I was supposed to check on her in 30 seconds or in 5 minutes. I went in without thinking about what I was "supposed" to do. The book instructs the parent to use her voice to soothe, to not touch the baby or pick her up. Whoops.

I left and found the boys in the bathroom, Avi swimming around in the tub, bossing us about who was going to wash him (Mommy, of course). I thumbed through the book and swore to myself. Leeor suggested I get myself a glass of wine. I darted upstairs to heed his sage advice and checked my pager because I was on-call and worried about a little one in the intensive care unit I wholly expected to get called about. Grabbed the wine and headed back downstairs. Avi was singing Hanukah songs and telling Leeor which characters we all were from the movie, Madagascar.

Lilit was still crying. I went in. I remembered a line from the book about how you shouldn't start this plan if baby is teething. She was gumming her blanket and her hand. I reached for the Tylenol and she seemed to soothe immediately, sucking on the syringe. I wiped her eyes, told her how much I loved her, and she smiled at me as she closed her eyes. I left the room feeling successful. Then I stayed up too late and Lilit woke up a little before 1 AM. She was in her party mood. I tried to do what I sort of remembered the book said.

After almost an hour, I decided to fuck the book and just do what I know. I picked up my girl. She is so sweet, so big, and doesn't need to fit into any dogma about what she is supposed to be doing and how we are supposed to live our lives.

I finally got her back down only to have her rise and shine around 5:20. Leeor and I went back and forth about getting up; we both got up, I went back to bed, he roused me at 6:30 and I spent some quality, albeit hazy, time with my girl before Avi rose.

***

It's my day off. Avi is at school, Lilit is asleep in his crib, the fog is dripping outside and I am sitting amongst the wreckage of our house after a long week. Soon I will rise and bustle about. My cup of coffee is almost empty and I feel the drug flowing through me, amping me up though I am truly exhausted. But this is where we are right now.

Avi keeps asking, "Is Hanukah over, Mommy?" and I tell him it is and we talk about it. I know that next year, we will celebrate again, but that concept remains elusive for my son. For now. Next year the kids may have their own rooms and these sleep complaints will be a thing of the past. So even if I feel ragged, I embrace it all. It's so temporary, so fleeting. And I have coffee, wine and yoga to get me through, not to mention a chorus of empathic girlfriends who know what this is like, and a husband who is meeting me at a salon this afternoon to take the kids so I can get a little time to indulge.

Maybe I love Hanukah because those candles, especially on the last night when they are all lit, reflect the beauty of the light that shines within all of us, even when we are tired, crabby and strung out on strong coffee.

When I crab at Avi, he sometimes responds with, "Don't worry, I will make you happy, Mommy," and then offers this squinched up grin that cracks me up. I assure him I am happy, even when I am grumpy. That I love my family very much. We have a lot to celebrate.