I've been doing a lot of letting go lately. Maybe it started when I learned I was pregnant with Yossi. Having 3 kids didn't make a lot of sense on the spreadsheet but we can't imagine life without him.
He blended in seamlessly to our family and the kids love him so fiercely. Sometimes they need to be reminded to be gentle with him but Yos hardly ever startles or cries with them. He's all gummy smiles and leg kicks, happy to bask in their sibling glow.
Even returning to work last week hasn't been *so* terrible. Truthfully, it's fucking hard to leave Yos every morning. But it's only 4 mornings. And I have a lot of support--husband, friends, family, even colleagues who check in with me on a daily basis. A childcare situation I trust. But there's a lot of letting go there, too. Avi and Lilit had nannies. I received detailed lists at the end of my workdays and was personally handed my babes from one set of arms. Yossi is going to a small family daycare recommended by a friend-of-a-friend. Her two kids went through and I trust that. But it's very different from the nanny-in-my-home experience. I can't say it's better or worse, just different. There are only 5-6 kids at its busiest, and three different "helpers." I honestly only know two of their names. But it doesn't seem to matter, because they all love my baby and got him to take a bottle on his first day. Yos is used to his brother and sister in his face all the time, so I wonder what it would be like for him to be alone with one person all day. When it was me alone all day with him, that was about us adjusting to life outside the womb. But now he's the ripe old age of 3 months and our 4th trimester has ended.
I feel sad about the passage of time but also accept it for what it is. Just time passing. Our kids are almost 6, 3.5 and 3 months. An embarrassment of riches. And tomorrow they will be older. Each day is different, with challenging and fulfilling moments. I am learning to ground into each moment and judge it less, confident that I am a good-enough mother. Even if the daycare is "raising" my baby. I lean into my village because I need to.
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Avi turns 6 in a few weeks. We are having a big party here with a bouncy house and I'm mildly terrified. He really wanted to send paper invites to his pals and I was at a loss tonight as I unsuccessfully explained evite. Right before bed, he was on the floor with his art suitcase, making the first of many invitations. He decided to go in alphabetical order and made Ari's first. I promised I would get an envelope in the morning and I hope I remember. I hope he makes invites for everyone. And that I can help him do it.
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Lilit has been just lovely this week. After demonstrating the most difficulty with the adjustment of having a new baby brother by shitting herself and antagonizing her older brother (poor girl!), she seems to have turned a corner. "He's so cuuuuute!" she exclaims over Yossi. She sweetly attends to him, soothes him when he screams in the car, "It's okay Yos. We're with you! We hear you!" She is suddenly the queen of empathy and decorum. I'll accept it for however long it lasts.
Our girl is a musical one, learning songs quickly and performing them for us on demand. I love when she has hand gestures to go with the lyrics, and the way she still can't pronounce her "l"s or her "r"s, so that when she sings, "we're so strong, and we're so smart; we were born with a loving heart!" it sounds like, "we're so stwong, and we're so smaht; we were booorn wif a wuvving hearwt!" She's delicious with her soft skin and flyaway hair, and waking her up in the morning rewards with the warmth of her hugs.
She tells us how many kisses and hugs she has left at any given moment, "I only have 4 kisses, and you can have all of them!" Those are the best moments, receiving her last kisses.
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I can't do catch up anymore. I didn't document anything about the first 3 months with Yossi because I was just in it. I talked to a colleague today about not "building a supply" during my maternity leave because I just wanted to be with my baby. Today I asked another colleague to remind me not to get all crazy-determined to not supplement with formula, as if there's anything wrong with that. It's week two back at work and I accidentally threw away some crucial pieces of the breast pump. It became something to laugh at but then I found myself at Babys R Us tonight, buying a replacement part. And daycare tells me they are just barely making it with what I've been bringing. I'm going to try to pump more, but if I can't, I want to give myself permission to supplement. The sad part is that if I were still at home with him, it wouldn't be a problem. At least I think it wouldn't be. But I don't know.
I know that Yossi is doing beautifully. He's healthy, happy and sleeping well. Eating well. Smiling a lot. I know that Avi and Lilit both survived my return to work and we were likely better for it. I look at them and feel reassured. It's hard right now, this transition. But it's also so good; every moment is so good. Like tonight when Leeor was able to meet me for pick up and we walked from the North Berkeley BART station to Lilit's preschool. The 3 of us drove together to Yossi's daycare and then I strapped him in the Ergo to walk home while they went to pick up Avi from his bus stop. They arrived home before I did, Leeor's keys still in the door and the entryway a mess of back packs, lunch boxes, my purse and Yossi's diaper bag. It was a great moment, arriving home to a bright, warm house, Yos snoring on my chest and all of us happy to be together after a long day apart. And we'll do it again tomrrow.
1 comment:
You are a great mother!
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