Due date (and some catching up)

It's been so long since I posted here and there is much to say about our September and half of October. Today is our third baby's official due date and  we are ready but also calm and accepting of whenever he makes his arrival.  With a plan to induce by Saturday if he hasn't come on his own by then.  So mostly accepting.  But I am extremely practical this time around.

I also need to go back in time and talk about Lilit's entrance into preschool.  I feel some guilt and sadness that her big brother got an entire post dedicated to his first day of school and here I am, scraping together some memories of her first day and her experience.  This is part of the parental journey, trying to make things "even," whatever that means.  The reality is that each of them has her or his own path and we are just here to support them and try not to mess things up too much. Or judge it all too harshly.

Lilit had a brief first day of school at Netivot Shalom because we had a plane to catch for Disneyland that same afternoon.  She had no tears and no drama that we knew of, and then we were off to visit the happiest (and most expensive) place on earth.  The kids were so excited and we were, too.

After an easy flight to Orange County and an easier cab ride to our hotel in the Disney compound, we sensibly headed to the pool as it was close to 100 degrees outside.  There was a massive slide that Avi first gingerly, and then eagerly, went down multiple times.  Leeor went too.  Lilit and I sat side-by-side in the kiddie pool, where the water temperature was balmy (I didn't spend too much time thinking about why) and we could watch the boys slide down again and again.

I am like a kid-magnet in these situations and notice that children approach me wanting attention, validation, mirroring of some kind.  These days I am so not into giving to strangers' children, at least emotionally.  When telling friends about our Disneyland experience, I was fond of joking, "if you ever want to feel good about your parenting, go to Disneyland! You will see some of the worst parenting ever!" and while I'm not usually so critical, I was shocked at the things I saw.  I had to continually put my head down and focus on my own little people and myself, my reactions and feelings, to regroup.  My sweet daughter's pool antics were an excellent way to stay present and grounded, even as my 34 week pregnant body struggled to physically keep up.

That night, we had our first of two dinners at Goofy's Kitchen, a kid-heaven buffet where diners can choose from hot dogs, pizza, filet mignon or salad, adults can order cocktails, and Disney characters visit you at your table and pose for photos.  Needless to say, the kids loved the meal experience as much as they loved visiting the parks themselves.  Lilit got to meet her favorite princess, Sleeping Beauty, and Avi discovered that under her fancy dress, her feet were clad in sneakers.  We liked knowing that Beauty was keeping it real.

Leeor and I love sleeping in hotels with the kids because they inevitably want to sleep in bed with each of us; so the fellas snuggled in one bed while Lilit and I got cozy in the other.  She pressed her face against mine until she fell into a deep sleep, only to awake in the wee hours and proceed to "play" with her stuffies and my face.  But she played quietly, so at least she didn't disturb the boys.  She eventually drifted off again but all too soon it was time for another character meal, this time breakfast in our hotel.  There were Mickey Mouse waffles to consume and characters dressed in surf wear with whom the kids were invited to dance.  I loved watching the kids run up and dance in front of a dining room of people.

We started at California Adventure and made a rookie mistake of taking Avi on a terrifying ride.  Lilit and I waited for them at the exit and I'm not sure for whom I had more sympathy, Leeor, for having to console his sobbing boy and feel so powerless, or Avi, who was wide-eyed and clearly shaken from his first ride.  We all recovered quickly and wound our way around the park as the temperatures climbed and we wiped sweat from our faces, bought overpriced water bottles and other cold drinks and watched the kids' tremendous smiles.

After a hotel break that involved more pool time, we were ready to check out Disneyland.  The afternoon was a great success and we navigated around the kids' rides.  I hadn't remembered the fun of Peter Pan, where all 4 of us were able to ride in a flying ship around a darkened room with fake stars and gaze down at simulated London.  Leeor and I loved sharing those moments with each other and the kids.

There were heat and fatigue induced meltdowns, no double strollers for rent, a way pregnant mama trying to carry a particular toddler girl (or fend off carrying a certain 5 year old boy), and another dinner back at our hotel.  We fell into bed exhausted but Lilit was up to her tricks again and spent another few hours playing in the middle of the night.  I was so fascinated (and completely annoyed) that she was up so much of the night.  I wondered if she does it at home and we just don't know about it?

Another character breakfast replete with dancing and then it was off to Disneyland first.  The day seemed hotter than the first but the kids didn't seem to mind.  Avi had scored some sweet Mickey ears on a hat fashioned like R2D2 and Lilit donned a Minnie Mouse sun hat from which she smiled her gap-toothed grin.  She and I slipped away for lunch with my dancing girlfriends and their kids while the boys went for all the rides a pregnant mama and toddler girl couldn't go on.  They were even sweatier by the time we reconvened, and it wasn't long before we determined that after It's a Small World (a big hit with both kids even as Leeor and I snarked to each other quietly, "Oh, this is exactly what Africa is like! Oh, this reminds me so much of Mexico!" we enjoyed it too) and another lap around the Storybook Cruise, it was time to have one more dinner at Goofy's Kitchen, where the kids were rewarded with more character encounters and loaded up on protein, carbs and dessert.

The trip was a massive hit and just today, Avi mentioned that he'd like to return "as soon as possible, maybe before the baby comes?" and Disneyland has also shown up in his dreams about school, which tells me that he is loving his new school experience *almost* as much as he loved the big theme parks.

As for Lilit, she had a bit of a rocky return to preschool.  We had planned our trip south to coincide with the beginning of the big Jewish holiday season.  There were a lot of school breaks in September, and I was finishing up work before beginning maternity leave.  Lilit never outwardly or obviously expressed dismay at her new life in preschool, but she showed us in other ways that it was challenging. She started wetting her pants at school and sometimes at home.  Leeor attended a field trip and fretted to me that she didn't seem to engage much with the other kids or really enjoy being there at all.  I talked to the school director, who was reassuring.  Leeor and I talked about how different our kids are; with Avi, it's all out there and "obvious" with his feelings; Avi screams or cries and then it's over and we process the experience.  With Lilit there were no big meltdowns, just behavior here and there that told us she was having some difficulty.

I'm happy to say that she eventually seemed to adjust and settle in.  Her teachers worked with her to remind her about potty time.  She discovered the joy of cutting paper with scissors, among other preschool pastimes.  Now she spends a lot of classroom time dancing.  And singing.  This girl loves to sing and dance.

And Avi is grooving along in kindergarten, doing beautifully all day long and saving up his upset for the dinner table, where twice last week he dumped his dish over in a huff.  Those are such hard parenting moments.  We've been talking about how he needs to learn to let out some of his big feelings during the day so that he's not like a volcano ready to explode when he comes home.  He seemed to like the image and we talked about it again today.  How can he find ways to let a little hot lava out during the school day so that he doesn't erupt at home?  We are working on it together.

Tonight, I was sitting on the floor of Lilit's room and caught a glimpse of my massive belly, still faintly covered with a henna mandala lovingly bestowed by my girlfriends during a baby blessing.  Avi called out from the bathroom that he missed preschool.  Specifically, he misses nap time and shared wistfully that they got to have "a little rest" in his classroom this afternoon.  When I went to help him rinse the soap out of his hair, he emitted a huge yawn.  Lilit brushed her teeth and got into bed and Avi followed soon after.

I borrowed a bassinet from a girlfriend today because I discovered I had given ours away.  I have no memory of this and yet it must be because the thing is nowhere to be found.  The borrowed one is all set up next to my bed, waiting for our boy to fill it with his little body.  A quilt made by my mama is folded up in it. My hospital bag is packed and sitting on the floor nearby.  The baby has hiccups and I am watching his wild movement in my belly as I type.

Wandering around Target today, two different employees asked me if I was okay.  I had to laugh at how ridiculous I must have looked, hugely pregnant, shuffling around (sometimes with a limp because my hip has been hurting).  And yet, I feel settled.  Tired, but settled.

There were 3 earthquakes last night.  The first one woke me around 1am, and the next two were smaller but I was awake to feel them, fretting about our lack of earthquake kit supplies and emergency plan.  I couldn't sleep for hours.  I saw my OB today and she said all her patients mentioned it but that she herself only felt the first one.  I really like her and trust her.  She is working tonight, too, just in case I actually go into labor.

I got a little caught up trying to predict this boy's birth last week, and my body cooperated by having plenty of early labor contractions that strengthened and then abruptly stopped.  Saba, Savta and my mom remain on alert to come help with the kids, as do many of our local friends and neighbors. I have moved, walked, stretched, rested and even had a little castor oil in a smoothie.  But now I feel ready to just be.  To hope that the earth doesn't crack open, but that the only shaking up that happens around here is emotional as we adjust to our new little being. Whenever he comes.  I hear it's a full moon Friday, and my birthday is tomorrow, so there seem to be some good options.  He is a Libra after all.

In the meantime, I am relishing my time at home, taking the kids to school daily and also picking them up, spending time in their classrooms and having time to myself during the day for the first time in years.  Being present takes a lot of effort, but as I am helping my kids learn about their feelings and how to manage them, I am doing the same thing for myself.  Getting comfortable in it all.  It's such a luxury and also terribly humbling.  When this baby arrives, I can't wait to see what else we get to learn.