January 2013

 Somehow I made it nearly to the end of the first month of the new year without posting anything about our day-to-day.  The first whiff of spring today, combined with an evening visit to my neighbor and friend who is about to have her first baby, inspired me to post a few photos.

 We have been working hard since our vacation.

 Our boy will go to kindergarten in the fall and application season is upon us.  We were a little surprised about all the feelings evoked along the way.  Now we wait, talk and trust our gut.

 Lilit is pretty psyched that she gets to go to Gan Shalom in the fall.  She is a mad lingerer when I take her to pick up Avi on our Mondays together.  Avi gets all dramatic, "Lee-leeeet! Let's goooo! Mama, she's not coming! Get her!"  And our girl just wiggles her body, wags her tongue and flashes a grin like a little sister should.

I just watched her birth video and am amazed at how little I actually remember about our initial separation, which was like 6 or 7 minutes after they first slapped her on my chest.  I noticed that my arm automatically wound tightly around her and they had to pry me off a little to take her to the warming table where they pumped her lungs, gave her oxygen and had Leeor cut the umbilical cord.  He was so amazing with her, so calm and steady.  I was oblivious on the other side of the room, reeling from such a fast labor.  They have such a sweet connection.

 She loves her kitchen set from Hanukah! And her little yellow table and chairs that her stuffies enjoy for tea parties (that I found on the sidewalk for free!).  She's talking so much now and is such a delight. It's tough to feel like she's "easier" than Avi right now, but it's true.  I can hang with her all day, and while she has some big feelings that sometimes need to be expressed with tears and wracking sobs, she remains at the age where my hugs and shushes soothe her, when I can label her feelings with words like "sad" and "mad" and "upset" and she gets it and feels better.  Things are more complex with Avi, but also pretty amazing.  And I'll take all of it.  Especially now that January is almost over!

 We have been enjoying the warmer weather that followed an especially cold spell.  As a native Californian, I go a little nuts without a good dose of warm sun.  Which we got in abundance a couple of weekends ago at Tomales Bay.

 Our neighbors had a massive birthday party and while the grownups slurped oysters and champagne, the kids literally ran amuck in the low tide.  It was a great Saturday.

 I was so unprepared for the heat and desperate for a head cover that I grabbed a hat I bought over a decade ago in Cusco, Peru.  I felt so goofy but also like I was in costume, which added to my festive feeling.  It felt so good to be outside in our first warm day of the year.

 The kids loved mucking around and we all slept well that night.

 These photos are not in any chronological order, as here it's evident that our big boy got a big haircut in the new year.  Leeor really wanted to lop his locks and I consented even though I really loved Avi's tresses.  It was for the best as it was getting pretty unruly in the back; when I heard myself explaining the definition of dreadlocks to Avi, I realized a haircut wouldn't be such a bad idea.

 New year, new haircut, new local adventures and . . . new couch! Avi claims the coveted spot.

 Sometimes I can't get over how much he has grown.  In less than two weeks, he'll turn 5 years old.

He is at once so grown and still so sweet and baby-like, with big, overwhelming feelings that have him falling back on more primitive behavior.  It's felt challenging and lately I realized how much "easier" the infant stage was for me.  And how much I suck at being consistent, making and keeping limits.  Avi doesn't miss a thing.  He's quick and also prone to low blood sugar meltdowns, not unlike his mama.  Our similarities are an honest reflection of our deep connection and also a painful look at my own neuroses.  Holy shit, my firstborn can get pretty unglued sometimes.

And then he is all flexible, inventive, kind and caring to Lilit, only minutes after he was yelling at her to get out of his room.  Or saying to me, "Can you just leave me alone, Mama?"

I am finding my way.  We all are.  It's good and hard and so, so worth it.