The old and the new

We went to Truckee earlier this week, just the kids and me. I try to be spontaneous and it was great to escape urban life for a few days of tall trees, piney air and nights spent under the same roof as my kids. Our friend Sam invited us to come up with her and her two girls. We piled into the car and drove east.

I love to rise to the occasion with my kids, to be fully present in each moment, which is easier to do when we are away than when we are sitting in our messy living room. I feel so capable. We miss Leeor but we know that the time apart is temporary.

Like tonight, when he is in Monterey with Saba and Safta, the kids sleeping soundly in the quiet that exists there. I worked a crazy, long hospital day today. I'm still trying to come down from it. My co-worker and friend drove me home and we talked about being adrenaline junkies. The hospital is filled with critical moments in which we are needed in such a profound way. Tonight I came home to an empty house and I couldn't bear it. I changed clothes and walked through the twilight. Took photos of flowers.

***

We went up to Mendocino for a couple of days last week. The place where we got married, The Inn at Schoolhouse Creek in Little River, was having a tremendous deal. It was good timing as the owners are selling the place. It's been 5 years since we exchanged vows under those Redwoods with the sea rolling and blinking across the road. I felt especially held by the trees this trip. Avi asked about the "tunnel of trees" we traveled through. There was not a lot of sleep for Lilit and me, but Avi did very well in his trundle bed. He likes to be low to the ground; it makes him feel safe. We spent a lot of time in hot tubs, both in our room and up the hill on the property. We wonder how often we will return once the place changes hands, when the people who own the place aren't the people who helped make our wedding what it was. I know we'll always go back up to Mendocino, though.

When we arrived back to Berkeley Tuesday afternoon, I sighed and said to Leeor, "It doesn't look like Mendocino, does it?" as I took in the littered sidewalks of San Pablo Avenue, the traffic, the people. Avi interjected, "It looks like home, Mommy." This from the kid who also asked the whole drive back when we would be going to Mendocino again, who keeps talking about the innkeeper's kids, "Remember Max and Kayla, Mommy?" He is going to be ready to go back to school next month. We have a home visit (!) from his new school director on Monday. I asked him how it has been to be off school for summer vacation and he replied dryly, "It just is, Mommy." Then we drove by his new school, Gan Shalom, and he exclaimed, "Oh, I love my new school! I want to give my new school a hug!"

Days later, he told me he'd dreamt about his new school, "But it looked just like my old school, Gan Noe. But it wasn't Gan Noe. And Lindsey was there, and Ilse." Ilse is his new nanny. Lindsey was one of his beloved teachers at his old school. This kid is a crazy amalgam of Leeor and me, with his own special Avi-ness mixed in.
Lilit is her own, very grounded girl. Thank goodness. I spent a lot of time tonight looking at photos and videos from this time last year. Her likeness to Leeor fascinates me.
I could never tire of Mendocino.
We had one indulgent lunch out in Fort Bragg. Avi decided that french fries are a treat.
And so is ice cream.
Lilit loves downward facing dog. So do I.
Avi said to me yesterday, "Mommy, I really like to listen to music while I do work on my computer." He's wearing his 3D glasses here. When he refers to the theatre, he calls it, "the 3Ds."
Lilit in our backyard yesterday afternoon. I can't get enough of her doughy goodness.

Or her peek-a-boo games.

Lilit loves Avi so much. It's been this way since she was born.
Avi mostly loves her back.

Avi makes his way to our bed at some point during most nights, but sometimes just in the wee hours of the morning. I love when Leeor captures him sleeping. This morning shot followed a night when Avi stage-whispered to me, "Mommy, I'm sweaty!" so I helped him peel off his pajamas and voila, sweet, bare-shouldered Avi.

I heart California. Lately I have been thinking about how where we live impacts who we are and how we evolve. I see it in my work, too.

Speaking of work, I am going to start renting an office space in Berkeley. Avi summed up this change best when he said, "Mommy, it's time for you to have a new place to work. We don't live in San Francisco anymore so you shouldn't work there." I didn't have the heart to explain that my Berkeley work would be in addition to my San Francisco work. It's the way of the Bay Area. We pay a lot to partake in the beauty and culture of the place, of the endless opportunity to fulfill professional and personal aspirations. I'm excited to open my own practice as much as I'm terrified. It's going to be good, I just know it. And it feels good to know and like what I do, to actually feel called to this particular vocation.

***

Last Friday, we four were a ramshackle bunch in the passport office. We are planning a trip with Saba and Safta to Israel. Auntie Maital is coming, too. How, oh how, will Avi ever come down from the nonstop party of family he's about to experience?

We took passport photos at Costco and they are hilarious. Avi was looking at my expired passport photo, taken in 1997 when I was just 21 years old, ready for my first trip abroad. "Who is this, Mommy?" he asked innocently. We laughed but Leeor asked him kindly who he thought it might be. He knew it was me but I do look different. The same, but definitely older.

***

Lilit is, as my dear friend Gillie observed about her Solomon, who is but weeks older than my girl, straddling that precipice between infancy and toddlerhood. I find myself wanting to know what she needs or wants, frustrated when I can't successfully interpret her wails. She'll make the sign for more and I don't always know what that means when it isn't in the context of a meal.

Lilit has been walking with the help of my hands grasping hers. She is waking several nights a week. I remember this time being a little rough with Avi; it definitely took me by surprise when it seemed to ratchet up with Lilit this week, the push-pull of entering a new stage in development. It's not linear, to be sure. Avi requested one of Lilit's diapers just as she amazed me with the sophisticated way she went to her bookshelf and plucked a tome for herself in response to my, "would you like to read books with me now, honey?"

***

This song, I Heart California, by Admiral Radley, has been in my head a lot lately. Born in Santa Barbara, raised in a Sacramento suburb before migrating to the peninsula for college, I spent 6 years in Pasadena before I landed in San Francisco, married a man who also has roots in this beloved state of mine, had my babies, bought a house and am now about to start a little business in Berkeley. And I really love Berkeley.

Last night found us at the Ashby BART station watching a site-specific performance from AXIS dance company. Avi and Declan watched with rapt attention, which impressed me so. Lilit fell asleep in my arms. It was a quintessential Berkeley moment and I couldn't hold onto it tightly enough.

I heart California.

I am California... yeah?

Ice tea in my hair

Drugs fall out of diaper bags

As midwesterners stare

I am California

Long walks on the 5

Truck stops and the symphony

And I'll be here when I die

I am California... yeah?

And you're a Leicestershire

I'm citrus and summertime

And you're haggis and cider

I am California... yeah?

The warm friendlier skies

Fake tits and the symphony

And I'll be here when I die